Sunday, December 25, 2005
Xmas Update
So I'm hanging out at Mom's and finally have a spare second to catch my breath. I was thinking of writing a focused article about dating, but, for now, I'm just going to muse on a whole bunch of random things. That IS what people do in blogs, is it not?
Okay, in no particular order:
1) I just talked with one of my mom's friends who is hesitant to date online. And who could blame her - all she hears are tales of liars. Strangely, while we were talking, as if it was scripted, I got a call from a sixtiesh year old-woman whose profile has a photo that looks like it could have been ripped out of an LL Bean catalog...from 1985. She swears that it was just taken a few years ago - and who am I to argue? I just feel bad that she thinks that she has to lie to me when I'm trying to work with her. Can't help those who don't help themselves, I suppose.
2) Last week I consulted with a client who wasn't feeling too good about himself. And what a shame - this guy is a really nice guy who's sincere about wanting to find a serious relationship. He's just lost his "game" and feels ill-equipped to contact women until he's confident again.
The thing about confidence though? It's pretty much a state of mind. Which is to say that I'm almost the exact same person I was when I was depressed and unemployed four years ago. And yet I FEEL totally different. This gap is not something that is arbitrarily bridged; after all, external circumstances do a lot to dictate our moods. I just think that there's some solace in knowing that even if your confidence ebbs and flows, it doesn't change who you are on the inside or outside. By reminding my client that he was the same great guy who had previous successful relationships with attractive women, I hope I was able to tap into his inner reservoir of self-esteem - that part that looks in the mirror and smiles, that part that feels that he's smarter, kinder and funnier than other guys out there. I think that most of us know that we're worthy, but struggle to make sense of things when life doesn't seem to agree.
This pertains to online dating in that you'll only be valued as much as you value yourself. Carry yourself without confidence, people will flee. This doesn't mean having an attitude, as much as it means not to get rattled when things don't go your way. Every time you contact someone, it should be under the pretense that you WILL be written back - even if you know the odds are not in your favor. Subtle tones of confidence, especially in email, send strong messages. And believe me, if you're insecure, people will pick up on that as well. So tone down the long intro emails where you overpraise the person you're contacting and oversell yourself. Concentrate on making a cute remark and throwing the ball into their court. Don't overxplain, always leave 'em wanting more. People have been doing this stuff for eons; no reason to reinvent the wheel for the 21st century.
3) I'm VERY excited for 2006. I have a few media appearances scheduled for January, including a profile makeover segment on the Today Show on 1/11. Also launching a new online magazine for JDate called JMag that should appear within the first two weeks of the month. Partnering E-Cyrano with Mate1.com, and looking for new partners at the Internet Dating Conference in Miami on February 2. It's all good, but really, all I want to do is get settled in my new apartment. Ahhhh, natural light....
Okay, in no particular order:
1) I just talked with one of my mom's friends who is hesitant to date online. And who could blame her - all she hears are tales of liars. Strangely, while we were talking, as if it was scripted, I got a call from a sixtiesh year old-woman whose profile has a photo that looks like it could have been ripped out of an LL Bean catalog...from 1985. She swears that it was just taken a few years ago - and who am I to argue? I just feel bad that she thinks that she has to lie to me when I'm trying to work with her. Can't help those who don't help themselves, I suppose.
2) Last week I consulted with a client who wasn't feeling too good about himself. And what a shame - this guy is a really nice guy who's sincere about wanting to find a serious relationship. He's just lost his "game" and feels ill-equipped to contact women until he's confident again.
The thing about confidence though? It's pretty much a state of mind. Which is to say that I'm almost the exact same person I was when I was depressed and unemployed four years ago. And yet I FEEL totally different. This gap is not something that is arbitrarily bridged; after all, external circumstances do a lot to dictate our moods. I just think that there's some solace in knowing that even if your confidence ebbs and flows, it doesn't change who you are on the inside or outside. By reminding my client that he was the same great guy who had previous successful relationships with attractive women, I hope I was able to tap into his inner reservoir of self-esteem - that part that looks in the mirror and smiles, that part that feels that he's smarter, kinder and funnier than other guys out there. I think that most of us know that we're worthy, but struggle to make sense of things when life doesn't seem to agree.
This pertains to online dating in that you'll only be valued as much as you value yourself. Carry yourself without confidence, people will flee. This doesn't mean having an attitude, as much as it means not to get rattled when things don't go your way. Every time you contact someone, it should be under the pretense that you WILL be written back - even if you know the odds are not in your favor. Subtle tones of confidence, especially in email, send strong messages. And believe me, if you're insecure, people will pick up on that as well. So tone down the long intro emails where you overpraise the person you're contacting and oversell yourself. Concentrate on making a cute remark and throwing the ball into their court. Don't overxplain, always leave 'em wanting more. People have been doing this stuff for eons; no reason to reinvent the wheel for the 21st century.
3) I'm VERY excited for 2006. I have a few media appearances scheduled for January, including a profile makeover segment on the Today Show on 1/11. Also launching a new online magazine for JDate called JMag that should appear within the first two weeks of the month. Partnering E-Cyrano with Mate1.com, and looking for new partners at the Internet Dating Conference in Miami on February 2. It's all good, but really, all I want to do is get settled in my new apartment. Ahhhh, natural light....
Saturday, December 03, 2005
First Impressions
On Match.com, I'm mysterE32. On JDate, I was nyfunnyguy32 until I switched to mysterE32 and then, LuckAndTiming. Say what you will about my chosen monikers, but they do not sound identical to everybody else. MysterE is a play on words using, obviously, the word "mystery" and my first initial. I actually get compliments on it from time to time. Nyfunnyguy wouldn't be a very good name if I were living in New York, but, to a strange woman in Los Angeles, an East Coast guy who writes comedy is a good place to start a conversation. Even when I was once identified by my username at a Santa Monica bar, "Hey, Nyfunnyguy!", it reaffirmed one crucial, if embarrassing thing - my advertising had been effective. I doubt she would have said "Hey, Mike1234" if that were my name.
Things like usernames and headlines are a thorn in the side of a lot of online daters. I mean, no one really cares about this stuff, do they? For the most part, the answer is no. Unless it's egregiously bad or - more rarely - exceptionally good. A good username can actually start a conversation - I started talking with a BePatientImBlond for that very reason. I've assisted other clients (who shall remain user-nameless), and have not only gotten them great feedback on their profiles, but kudos on their usernames as well.
As I've counseled regarding profiles and photos, browse through a few dozen pages of members and count how many usernames stand out. Ask yourself why. Generally, it's because there's no thought or creativity employed in choosing one. I'm asking you to go the extra mile and do both. Choose a subject that's dear to you. Doesn't have to say everything about you, or really anything about you. Just something fun. Spin it around in your head, hold it up to the light from different angles. Sooner or later, something is going to pop. That something is going to be your username. The best ones are usually double entendres or plays on words; taking the familiar and making it different. Like mysterE, for example. Whatever you suggest, there is a punny, if not funny, answer.
Bowling? LuckyStrike.
Dancing? Two2Tango.
City planning? UrbanMiff.
Oh, come on! Of course you're going to write to UrbanMiff! Hell, I think I'm gonna use that name myself.
Usernames are surprisingly important, not because they're dealbreakers, but because they're literally your IDENTITY on a website. And why would anyone want to be TopekaTim when he can be JayhawksRock?
Headlines aren't on every site, but, like the very boldface type that makes you pick up a tabloid when you're standing on the grocery checkout line, they do have an impact on your decision to look within. All things remaining equal, if the photo is average, are you telling me that you're NOT going to look at someone who made you laugh using just one line? To the shallow end of the pool you go! The rest of us are gonna brainstorm some headlines over here.
Remember, your job is to be appealing to those who get the joke but not unappealing to those who don't get it. If Star Wars-insider references are your thing and you're casting for the part of your geek-lover, go out on a limb. Return of the Judy is probably more effective than The Evil-Ex Strikes Back.
Keeping it light is always better than going heavy. Saying something meaningless is more effective than plumbing the depths of your soul. Using an adjective should, frankly, get you kicked off of the site. Unless you're doing it as a joke, like my personal favorite headline: "Funny guy with killer body and money to burn seeks woman who doesn't believe everything she reads." It works only because so many people say it seriously, "Down to earth man with good job seeks cool girl for love and laughter." Get me a bucket. I'm gonna vomit. Better to stay away from who you are, away from what you're looking for. If they want to know that, they can read your brilliant essays. Better to say something goofy in your headline like "Order Now While Supplies Last!" which can elicit a smile and a deeper peek into your profile.
Do headlines matter? I don't know. But why not add a witty headline to the list of ways in which someone can be impressed by you?
Things like usernames and headlines are a thorn in the side of a lot of online daters. I mean, no one really cares about this stuff, do they? For the most part, the answer is no. Unless it's egregiously bad or - more rarely - exceptionally good. A good username can actually start a conversation - I started talking with a BePatientImBlond for that very reason. I've assisted other clients (who shall remain user-nameless), and have not only gotten them great feedback on their profiles, but kudos on their usernames as well.
As I've counseled regarding profiles and photos, browse through a few dozen pages of members and count how many usernames stand out. Ask yourself why. Generally, it's because there's no thought or creativity employed in choosing one. I'm asking you to go the extra mile and do both. Choose a subject that's dear to you. Doesn't have to say everything about you, or really anything about you. Just something fun. Spin it around in your head, hold it up to the light from different angles. Sooner or later, something is going to pop. That something is going to be your username. The best ones are usually double entendres or plays on words; taking the familiar and making it different. Like mysterE, for example. Whatever you suggest, there is a punny, if not funny, answer.
Bowling? LuckyStrike.
Dancing? Two2Tango.
City planning? UrbanMiff.
Oh, come on! Of course you're going to write to UrbanMiff! Hell, I think I'm gonna use that name myself.
Usernames are surprisingly important, not because they're dealbreakers, but because they're literally your IDENTITY on a website. And why would anyone want to be TopekaTim when he can be JayhawksRock?
Headlines aren't on every site, but, like the very boldface type that makes you pick up a tabloid when you're standing on the grocery checkout line, they do have an impact on your decision to look within. All things remaining equal, if the photo is average, are you telling me that you're NOT going to look at someone who made you laugh using just one line? To the shallow end of the pool you go! The rest of us are gonna brainstorm some headlines over here.
Remember, your job is to be appealing to those who get the joke but not unappealing to those who don't get it. If Star Wars-insider references are your thing and you're casting for the part of your geek-lover, go out on a limb. Return of the Judy is probably more effective than The Evil-Ex Strikes Back.
Keeping it light is always better than going heavy. Saying something meaningless is more effective than plumbing the depths of your soul. Using an adjective should, frankly, get you kicked off of the site. Unless you're doing it as a joke, like my personal favorite headline: "Funny guy with killer body and money to burn seeks woman who doesn't believe everything she reads." It works only because so many people say it seriously, "Down to earth man with good job seeks cool girl for love and laughter." Get me a bucket. I'm gonna vomit. Better to stay away from who you are, away from what you're looking for. If they want to know that, they can read your brilliant essays. Better to say something goofy in your headline like "Order Now While Supplies Last!" which can elicit a smile and a deeper peek into your profile.
Do headlines matter? I don't know. But why not add a witty headline to the list of ways in which someone can be impressed by you?
Don't Call Us, We'll Call You
I've got this friend who's a little bit of a player (I swear, it's not me!).He goes on a lot of dates and while he generally manages to have fun, 99% of the time, he talks about the women like they're expiring milk: temporary commodities with a week-long half-life "She's really cute, but doesn't have much to say", "She's cool, but there's no chemistry". "She's really into me, but I'm not sure how I feel." That kinda stuff. Imagine my surprise when he told me that he was blown away by a recent date, who went back to his apartment after a few rounds of drinks. "She's so much fun. Totally eccentric and interesting and very sexy. I can't wait to see her again." And he did what guys do when they're into women: he called her the next day to tell her he had a good time. But when she didn't call back that night, he wasn't just shocked, but genuinely hurt. "Guess this is how it feels to go out with one of us," he opined. Amen, brother…
It's not hard to get past games. Confident people do it all the time. Too bad more people aren't genuinely confident. Insecure people who play games are like insecure people who lie in their profiles; they don't feel confident enough in the truth to allow it to surface. So men wait three days to call after a date. Or women wait two days to return his call in return. And so on and so forth, ad nauseum. Emphasis on the nauseum.
I can't think of many situations in the universe where it's considered a good idea to make things more complex than they already are, but somehow the theory still goes that you should play hard to get. Bullshit.
If Jeff goes out with Kim and they both have an amazing time, it's absolutely, positively, 100% encouraged and understood that he should call her the next day. And after he calls, she'll comment to her friends how sweet and thoughtful he was for calling the next day.
If Jeff goes out with Kim and she doesn't have fun, but he still calls her the next day, that same sweet and thoughtful phone call turns into something vaguely needy, insidious or stalker-like. In other words, if Kim doesn't like Jeff, nothing he does will affect how she feels. If she does like him, then being forthcoming will only go to further her goodwill towards him.
I'm not denying that you can exert a measure of power by resisting your impulse to be too available or too much of an open book. Telling someone you knew for three hours that you love her is a pretty poor idea, as is calling him four consecutive times the next day to thank him. But the best relationships aren't built on power plays and they're not built on women "catching" men by being elusive. If we can all agree that honesty and trust are the foundation of any couple, why withhold it when it matters most - at the beginning, when you're making a first impression? I assure you that if you like him and he likes you, calling when you feel like it can only make things better. If it makes things worse, it wasn't right for a whole bunch of other reasons.
It's not hard to get past games. Confident people do it all the time. Too bad more people aren't genuinely confident. Insecure people who play games are like insecure people who lie in their profiles; they don't feel confident enough in the truth to allow it to surface. So men wait three days to call after a date. Or women wait two days to return his call in return. And so on and so forth, ad nauseum. Emphasis on the nauseum.
I can't think of many situations in the universe where it's considered a good idea to make things more complex than they already are, but somehow the theory still goes that you should play hard to get. Bullshit.
If Jeff goes out with Kim and they both have an amazing time, it's absolutely, positively, 100% encouraged and understood that he should call her the next day. And after he calls, she'll comment to her friends how sweet and thoughtful he was for calling the next day.
If Jeff goes out with Kim and she doesn't have fun, but he still calls her the next day, that same sweet and thoughtful phone call turns into something vaguely needy, insidious or stalker-like. In other words, if Kim doesn't like Jeff, nothing he does will affect how she feels. If she does like him, then being forthcoming will only go to further her goodwill towards him.
I'm not denying that you can exert a measure of power by resisting your impulse to be too available or too much of an open book. Telling someone you knew for three hours that you love her is a pretty poor idea, as is calling him four consecutive times the next day to thank him. But the best relationships aren't built on power plays and they're not built on women "catching" men by being elusive. If we can all agree that honesty and trust are the foundation of any couple, why withhold it when it matters most - at the beginning, when you're making a first impression? I assure you that if you like him and he likes you, calling when you feel like it can only make things better. If it makes things worse, it wasn't right for a whole bunch of other reasons.
