Friday, February 10, 2006
It Ain't Just Fabio
I'm taking off on Tuesday to do some media interviews on behalf of Harlequin Books' 2006 Romance Report. The theme of this year's report is "The Encounter", which is to say, making the most of "real-life" chance meetings. The irony that I've made a career out of meeting people online doesn't escape me, but I'm gonna do my best anyway. I'm just tickled by the mere fact that I get to wear the title "Romance Consultant", if only for a couple of weeks.
Anyway, the Romance Report, which is a free download, has all sorts of juicy tidbits, the type that you get when you poll 2000 people around the world.
Among my favorite factoids:
Men and women EQUALLY value sense of humor and intelligence in the opposite sex.
Men value attraction 11% more than women. Women value financial stability 9% more than men.
More women (43%) than men (38%) said that they have judged a person by his/her appearance in a first encounter.
Almost one in five men and women admitted to faking an encounter by "bumping into" someone on purpose.
Among reasons that we haven't found Mr./Ms. Right, "no time" got 38% of the vote, followed by "no good places to meet" (28%) and "all the good ones are taken" with 20%.
I've already talked about this stuff to the New York Post and I have both CNN and ABC to look forward to as we lead up to Valentine's Day. Fun, fun, fun.
Both Harlequin Books, and their PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, have been incredible, and are worthy of commendation. I even learned that my childhood friend, Lynn Messina, is a Harlequin author, under their Red Dress Ink imprint. So, to those of you who just think of bodice-rippers when you think of Harlequin, think again. They have some quality chick-lit, among other things. And yes, I've read Lynn's books. And hope to see the movie they're making out of her first one, Fashionistas.
Anyway, I'm off to get some sunshine. Thank God it's Friday...
Anyway, the Romance Report, which is a free download, has all sorts of juicy tidbits, the type that you get when you poll 2000 people around the world.
Among my favorite factoids:
Men and women EQUALLY value sense of humor and intelligence in the opposite sex.
Men value attraction 11% more than women. Women value financial stability 9% more than men.
More women (43%) than men (38%) said that they have judged a person by his/her appearance in a first encounter.
Almost one in five men and women admitted to faking an encounter by "bumping into" someone on purpose.
Among reasons that we haven't found Mr./Ms. Right, "no time" got 38% of the vote, followed by "no good places to meet" (28%) and "all the good ones are taken" with 20%.
I've already talked about this stuff to the New York Post and I have both CNN and ABC to look forward to as we lead up to Valentine's Day. Fun, fun, fun.
Both Harlequin Books, and their PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, have been incredible, and are worthy of commendation. I even learned that my childhood friend, Lynn Messina, is a Harlequin author, under their Red Dress Ink imprint. So, to those of you who just think of bodice-rippers when you think of Harlequin, think again. They have some quality chick-lit, among other things. And yes, I've read Lynn's books. And hope to see the movie they're making out of her first one, Fashionistas.
Anyway, I'm off to get some sunshine. Thank God it's Friday...
Saturday, February 04, 2006
The State of the Online Dating Industry
Just got back last night from the annual iDate Conference in Miami. Friends are often surprised to learn that this industry has its own conference, but when there are over 1000 online dating sites competing for a billion dollars in revenue, it makes sense for the players to congregate, network and exchange trade secrets.
This is my third conference and when I go down, I find that it's as a representative for all the online daters out there who may not feel that the sites are listening to them. You may be shocked to learn that, in fact, they are listening to you - although they've been admittedly delinquent about taking action.
To illustrate the point, there were a number of businesses present that stand for cleaning up cyberspace. Safedate and BackgroundChecks were sturdy standbys from last year. But my favorite innovators were these two:
Honesty Online - A group of East Coast mensches, led by husband/wife team Mark and Esther Ezra, Honesty Online is about verifying the most important characteristics - height, weight, martial status, employment, STD's. By far, the most comprehensive background check I've seen, they're hoping that by creating a more honorable code for online daters, others will step up and verify themselves. I sure hope they're right.
Talk Plus - With one simple download, cell phone subscribers can enjoy such powerful features as multiple phone numbers and caller identities on a single phone. What does this mean for you? Basically that no one ever has to know your real phone number unless you want him to. Sick of the guy who keeps calling your fake number? Block him and when he calls, it'll say that your line has been disconnected, although it hasn't. Utterly ingenious.
What I enjoy particularly from these events, in addition to collecting 400 business cards in my wallet, are the speakers who dare to be provocative and say things that others might not want to hear.
Robert Fisher of Great Expectations is the best at this. A man with fifteen years of experience and no shortage of stage presence, Fisher always states his mind (which is usually right), consequences be damned. He's currently working on a venture that merges online and offline dating that will shake up this industry (in a good way) when it launches.
Other speakers who struck me with their insights included the always entertaining Julie Ferman of Cupid's Coach, who believes that if you listen to people's needs, you'll improve your bottom line; Mark Brooks of OnlinePersonalsWatch, who kept coming back to the forgotten concept of integrity and Dr. John Gray of Mars/Venus fame, who has as much wisdom as anyone about the dicey interplay between men and women. I got to join Dr. Gray and his staff for lunch after his speech and was impressed with his breadth of knowledge about an array of subjects from brain chemistry to dieting (although I can still teach him a thing or two about online dating!)
Other execs impress for their ability to be cool and diplomatic in all circumstances - notably Brad Hogg of Relationship Exchange, and Meir Strahlberg of Date.com. Both see the winds of change coming and are extremely open to partnering with others in order to strengthen their positions in the marketplace.
Finally, I probably learned more from a few hours drinking vodka with Drew Kossoff from David DeAngelo's Double Your Dating than I've gleaned from a dozen business books. I may never become an online marketing guru like DeAngelo, but I do hope to speak at his seminar series and work with them in the future. Good people.
And that's why I left Florida with a sense of hope about the online dating industry. The folks I've cited, and many more, really do care about the well-being of their clients. It's only a matter of time before these suggested changes take hold. So if you're a single person reading this, you should probably stick around. The best is yet to come.
This is my third conference and when I go down, I find that it's as a representative for all the online daters out there who may not feel that the sites are listening to them. You may be shocked to learn that, in fact, they are listening to you - although they've been admittedly delinquent about taking action.
To illustrate the point, there were a number of businesses present that stand for cleaning up cyberspace. Safedate and BackgroundChecks were sturdy standbys from last year. But my favorite innovators were these two:
Honesty Online - A group of East Coast mensches, led by husband/wife team Mark and Esther Ezra, Honesty Online is about verifying the most important characteristics - height, weight, martial status, employment, STD's. By far, the most comprehensive background check I've seen, they're hoping that by creating a more honorable code for online daters, others will step up and verify themselves. I sure hope they're right.
Talk Plus - With one simple download, cell phone subscribers can enjoy such powerful features as multiple phone numbers and caller identities on a single phone. What does this mean for you? Basically that no one ever has to know your real phone number unless you want him to. Sick of the guy who keeps calling your fake number? Block him and when he calls, it'll say that your line has been disconnected, although it hasn't. Utterly ingenious.
What I enjoy particularly from these events, in addition to collecting 400 business cards in my wallet, are the speakers who dare to be provocative and say things that others might not want to hear.
Robert Fisher of Great Expectations is the best at this. A man with fifteen years of experience and no shortage of stage presence, Fisher always states his mind (which is usually right), consequences be damned. He's currently working on a venture that merges online and offline dating that will shake up this industry (in a good way) when it launches.
Other speakers who struck me with their insights included the always entertaining Julie Ferman of Cupid's Coach, who believes that if you listen to people's needs, you'll improve your bottom line; Mark Brooks of OnlinePersonalsWatch, who kept coming back to the forgotten concept of integrity and Dr. John Gray of Mars/Venus fame, who has as much wisdom as anyone about the dicey interplay between men and women. I got to join Dr. Gray and his staff for lunch after his speech and was impressed with his breadth of knowledge about an array of subjects from brain chemistry to dieting (although I can still teach him a thing or two about online dating!)
Other execs impress for their ability to be cool and diplomatic in all circumstances - notably Brad Hogg of Relationship Exchange, and Meir Strahlberg of Date.com. Both see the winds of change coming and are extremely open to partnering with others in order to strengthen their positions in the marketplace.
Finally, I probably learned more from a few hours drinking vodka with Drew Kossoff from David DeAngelo's Double Your Dating than I've gleaned from a dozen business books. I may never become an online marketing guru like DeAngelo, but I do hope to speak at his seminar series and work with them in the future. Good people.
And that's why I left Florida with a sense of hope about the online dating industry. The folks I've cited, and many more, really do care about the well-being of their clients. It's only a matter of time before these suggested changes take hold. So if you're a single person reading this, you should probably stick around. The best is yet to come.
Knock 'Em Dead - Write Introductory Emails That Get Responses
Here's a new article which I wrote as a special to Yahoo! Personals. I hope you enjoy.
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Of all the things that clients (especially men) ask me to help them with, the most common query involves assistance with writing introductory emails. And while I never write emails for others, the request makes perfect sense. After all, most people’s profiles don’t exactly give you a ton of material to work with, do they? So how do you cobble together something from a pile of nothing? Well, you can start by remembering these three basic rules:
1. If someone else can say it, don’t say it. It’s not that “You’ve got a great smile, let’s go out sometime” is a bad opener. It’s just so … easy. And easy equals common. Ask yourself if what you’re writing sounds completely original. If not, the person you’re contacting probably has 10 emails just like yours sitting on the computer screen.
2. Cut to the chase. Don’t waste time with a whole bunch of text that doesn’t tell the recipient anything new. Consider a message like this:
Dear JB,
I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.
Yours,
Evan
Every line of this message can be thrown out. Why? Because anyone whom you contact knows by virtue of you writing to them that a) you liked their profile, b) you liked their photo and c) you’d like a reply. So why say any of it? Better to come up with a fun, unique angle.
3. Be flirty. Be confident. Be different. Keep in mind that YOU are the commodity here. Even though you’re writing to someone out of the blue, do so with the belief that this person would be lucky to have you. If you’re too complimentary in that initial email, you can come off as desperate and needy. So don’t go overboard. Say a couple of funny, coy lines and get out. Your profile ultimately does the selling; your email just has to pique their interest.
Still, the question remains: how do you say something original and flirty? That, my friends, is what separates the most successful online daters from the rest of the pack.
Here are three steps to set you on the right path. In this case, I’ve written them for men replying to women, but the steps are applicable to everyone:
Step 1: Read her profile closely. Every word of it. Remember, that’s why she wrote it – because she wants you to get to know her, not because she wants to be told for the umpteenth time that she’s hot. Men who treat women as unique and interesting individuals stand a much greater shot of receiving a response.
The thing is, even if she’s interesting, she most likely wrote a whole bunch of clichés in her profile: “I’m nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I’m looking for my best friend, lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter.” (Scary how easy it is to approximate the typical online dating profile, isn’t it?) Obviously, there’s not much to respond to here. Even a specific response like “I noticed you enjoy biking. What trail do you ride on?” is kind of bland, although it is sincere. So let’s think outside the box, shall we?
Step 2: Find the most interesting tidbit in her entire profile. NOT the thing you like the most, NOT the thing you find most attractive, NOT the thing you have in common. The most interesting tidbit in her profile is the thing that sounds like it couldn’t have been written by anybody else in the world. It might be how she hates pigeons. It might be how she was once a foot model. It might be how she doesn’t know how to program her TiVo. Whatever it is, take her quirky tidbit and turn it into your pickup line.
Step 3: Write something that’s not true. Yes, you heard me correctly. The most effective way to catch someone’s attention in an initial email is with fiction. Why? Because the truth, as we’ve established, is boring.
Yes, you think she’s attractive.
Yes, you think her profile is entertaining.
Yes, you think it’s cool that she also likes Robert DeNiro movies and skiing in Vail.
But does any of that sound like a good pickup line to you? Not really. Dig deeper.
Step 4: Take her factoid and apply it to yourself in a fictional fashion. The sillier and more over-the-top your email, the funnier it’ll be. A good joke doesn’t require an explanation – it’s obviously a joke. For example, if you’re writing to the foot model, you might say:
Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal … Then I skinned my knee when rollerblading. I never modeled again.
Let’s drink to our fashion careers,
Evan
Sure, it’s a little goofy, but people actually respond to this stuff. Why? Because it’s different, it’s audacious and, in a strange way, it’s kind of smart. Most importantly, it’s confident. It’s not an idle compliment or a generic, “Ooh, look what we have in common” line. It’s a joke and, as we all know, people like people who make them laugh.
Wanna try again? Let’s take the TiVo woman.
Start your comment in the subject heading of the email, like this…
TiVo for Dummies
I can fix your computer, landscape your backyard and probably even hotwire your car, but, for some reason, TiVo programming seems to elude me as well. So if you’re interested in watching the entire season of “When Animals Attack”… in Spanish … with subtitles … I’m definitely your guy.
Talk to you soon,
Evan
If these kinds of emails don’t work for you, no problem. Humor is subjective. Just keep in mind that the confidence it takes to write an email like that is compelling. Playing it safe is fine, but if an attractive person has dozens, if not hundreds, of options, you need to shake things up a little bit to break through the clutter.
Now what are you gonna say to that pigeon-hater?
------------------------------------------------------------
Of all the things that clients (especially men) ask me to help them with, the most common query involves assistance with writing introductory emails. And while I never write emails for others, the request makes perfect sense. After all, most people’s profiles don’t exactly give you a ton of material to work with, do they? So how do you cobble together something from a pile of nothing? Well, you can start by remembering these three basic rules:
1. If someone else can say it, don’t say it. It’s not that “You’ve got a great smile, let’s go out sometime” is a bad opener. It’s just so … easy. And easy equals common. Ask yourself if what you’re writing sounds completely original. If not, the person you’re contacting probably has 10 emails just like yours sitting on the computer screen.
2. Cut to the chase. Don’t waste time with a whole bunch of text that doesn’t tell the recipient anything new. Consider a message like this:
Dear JB,
I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.
Yours,
Evan
Every line of this message can be thrown out. Why? Because anyone whom you contact knows by virtue of you writing to them that a) you liked their profile, b) you liked their photo and c) you’d like a reply. So why say any of it? Better to come up with a fun, unique angle.
3. Be flirty. Be confident. Be different. Keep in mind that YOU are the commodity here. Even though you’re writing to someone out of the blue, do so with the belief that this person would be lucky to have you. If you’re too complimentary in that initial email, you can come off as desperate and needy. So don’t go overboard. Say a couple of funny, coy lines and get out. Your profile ultimately does the selling; your email just has to pique their interest.
Still, the question remains: how do you say something original and flirty? That, my friends, is what separates the most successful online daters from the rest of the pack.
Here are three steps to set you on the right path. In this case, I’ve written them for men replying to women, but the steps are applicable to everyone:
Step 1: Read her profile closely. Every word of it. Remember, that’s why she wrote it – because she wants you to get to know her, not because she wants to be told for the umpteenth time that she’s hot. Men who treat women as unique and interesting individuals stand a much greater shot of receiving a response.
The thing is, even if she’s interesting, she most likely wrote a whole bunch of clichés in her profile: “I’m nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I’m looking for my best friend, lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter.” (Scary how easy it is to approximate the typical online dating profile, isn’t it?) Obviously, there’s not much to respond to here. Even a specific response like “I noticed you enjoy biking. What trail do you ride on?” is kind of bland, although it is sincere. So let’s think outside the box, shall we?
Step 2: Find the most interesting tidbit in her entire profile. NOT the thing you like the most, NOT the thing you find most attractive, NOT the thing you have in common. The most interesting tidbit in her profile is the thing that sounds like it couldn’t have been written by anybody else in the world. It might be how she hates pigeons. It might be how she was once a foot model. It might be how she doesn’t know how to program her TiVo. Whatever it is, take her quirky tidbit and turn it into your pickup line.
Step 3: Write something that’s not true. Yes, you heard me correctly. The most effective way to catch someone’s attention in an initial email is with fiction. Why? Because the truth, as we’ve established, is boring.
Yes, you think she’s attractive.
Yes, you think her profile is entertaining.
Yes, you think it’s cool that she also likes Robert DeNiro movies and skiing in Vail.
But does any of that sound like a good pickup line to you? Not really. Dig deeper.
Step 4: Take her factoid and apply it to yourself in a fictional fashion. The sillier and more over-the-top your email, the funnier it’ll be. A good joke doesn’t require an explanation – it’s obviously a joke. For example, if you’re writing to the foot model, you might say:
Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal … Then I skinned my knee when rollerblading. I never modeled again.
Let’s drink to our fashion careers,
Evan
Sure, it’s a little goofy, but people actually respond to this stuff. Why? Because it’s different, it’s audacious and, in a strange way, it’s kind of smart. Most importantly, it’s confident. It’s not an idle compliment or a generic, “Ooh, look what we have in common” line. It’s a joke and, as we all know, people like people who make them laugh.
Wanna try again? Let’s take the TiVo woman.
Start your comment in the subject heading of the email, like this…
TiVo for Dummies
I can fix your computer, landscape your backyard and probably even hotwire your car, but, for some reason, TiVo programming seems to elude me as well. So if you’re interested in watching the entire season of “When Animals Attack”… in Spanish … with subtitles … I’m definitely your guy.
Talk to you soon,
Evan
If these kinds of emails don’t work for you, no problem. Humor is subjective. Just keep in mind that the confidence it takes to write an email like that is compelling. Playing it safe is fine, but if an attractive person has dozens, if not hundreds, of options, you need to shake things up a little bit to break through the clutter.
Now what are you gonna say to that pigeon-hater?
