Ask E-Cyrano by Evan Marc Katz

Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

E-Cyrano — Fri, 08 Sep 2006 19:24:00 +0000

Just got off the phone with a client who wanted to know why he hadn't heard back from this woman he'd written to online. He showed me the email correspondence and it was promising. Relatively lengthy, honest, meaty emails. But upon closer inspection, I saw a few glitches that told the whole story. And this is why I'm sharing it with you.

The woman sucked all the fun out of flirting.

This is REAL common, by the way. Yes, online dating can be a bit of a slog, a chore, a job, but that doesn't mean that you should treat it that way. Just because you're seeking a real relationship doesn't entitle you to an interrogation regarding his past, his present, and his future intentions. Even an innocuous line like "So why is a seemingly great, successful guy like you still single?" can be read as an insult as much as a compliment. Ladies, for your own sake, lighten up! The part before the date is where you're supposed to charm and dazzle us, not bring us down with tales of romantic fantasies dashed.

The guy took the bait and played serious as well.

Hasn't everybody, at some point, had an email conversation that went awry? A simple dialogue that got all messed up due to the computer's inability to convey tone, warmth, sarcasm and eye contact? If you're gonna talk about something serious, face it, you'd probably be better off in person than laying it out there in Outlook. Yet we do it all the time, and we wonder why people don't get the message. So if one party wants to talk about something weighty - the other party would be well served to recommend a phone number exchange. Writing back a serious missive to a serious missive is like playing tennis with a lead ball - it may be possible, but you'll be hard pressed to get it off the ground.

Despite his best intentions, he proved to be just like all the other guys.

So my client wrote her an email addressing her concerns about why he's still single and told her that he was going out of town for the next two weeks. He told her he'd contact her upon his return. It seemed to him to be a sincere and responsible reply. What he didn't factor in was that a) she had given him her regular email address and he was still writing to her on the website (which is a bit impersonal) and that b) he told her he was going to be out of town, so why would she write back to him?

Thus, a week after his return, he's asking me what he did wrong and why she didn't write back. And I'm telling him that she's waiting for HIM to write to her. And the thought didn't even occur to him. Not at all. He never bothered to put himself in her shoes - waiting for him to return from his trip, wondering why he hasn't emailed. All he was wondering was why she hadn't emailed him.

These communication breakdowns happen ALL THE TIME with online dating. And the only way to fight through them is to be vigilant about your integrity.

Let's have a few rules about this, shall we?

1) You say you're going to call, then call. No ifs, ands or buts. If, for some reason, you can't make the call, then call in advance or immediately afterwards to apologize. Don't just sweep it under the rug like it never happened.

2) It's okay to disappear when you're emailing on site - it's not okay to disappear after a few dates. A simple email claiming that it's just not a long-term match should suffice.

3) If there's someone that you like but find yourself getting serious with someone else, tell the TRUTH. "Sorry I've been out of touch, but it looks like things are progressing with someone else. I have no idea what the future holds, but if it doesn't work out, I hope I can still call you in the future. And if you're taken at that point, well, it's my loss. Good luck in your search." It may not be pleasant to receive such email, but it's hard to hold it against someone who has the tact and class to be honest.

Needless to say, this is all Golden Rule stuff, but it always bears mentioning. It's so much easier to be judgmental of others than it is to shine the light on our own behavior. Just imagine if everyone followed the Golden Rule online; these sites wouldn't be half-bad, would they?

The Very Unofficial "Lost" Chapter from "Why You're Still Single"

E-Cyrano — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:37:00 +0000

The below chapter is not in the new book, but it might as well be. The concept, "You Don't Trust Your Judgment", was hatched at a Starbucks on Melrose when two twentysomething women claimed that their own poor judgment was the primary reason for their bachelorette status. Interesting, I thought. And not something that we specifically covered in the 29 chapters that make up "Why You're Still Single". I immediately got to work and sent the results to Linda, who, not surprisingly, wrote something even more eloquent than I did.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy this very unofficial "lost" chapter from WYSS.

YOU DON'T TRUST YOUR JUDGMENT

By Evan Marc Katz and Linda Holmes

EVAN:

Wouldn’t it be great if people were like computers? Instead of acting on things like “feelings” and “emotions”, we’d work off facts and empirical evidence, so that we’d never be fooled by the same racket twice. Sure, no one would be able to cry at chick flicks or sense when something’s wrong when you come home from work, but who cares? The day you emulate your laptop will be the final day you look across the dinner table at your boyfriend and ask yourself, “What the hell am I doing with this guy?”

Regrets? I’ve had a few. And after each bad relationship, I find myself retrospectively scratching my head, wondering how I could have been so blind. Ever ask your friends, “Now that we broke up, what did you really think about him?” Sure, you have. Upon which you learned that everyone unanimously felt he was a jerk since Day 1. What are friends for, if not to lie to you by lending unconditional support?

So if the rest of the world can see that someone is toxic, why do we stay? How do we end up with people who turn others off, but turn us on? I think it’s those damn human feelings getting in the way again. Even a total jerk can be expected to be a nice guy 80% of the time. And that 80% is all the positive reinforcement you need to stick around for too long with the wrong guy. If you were to be an impartial third-party judge of your own life, you might act differently. But it’s a lot harder to leave your own neglectful boyfriend than it is to tell your girlfriend to dump hers.

It’s simple to put labels on a guy to justify why he should be dumped– he’s neglectful, he’s abusive, he’s selfish, he’s gay, blahblahblah. What’s far more interesting is when you find yourself wholly invested in someone who defies any of these “bad” descriptions. In fact, you’re pretty sure you’re dating a good person. He was generous when courting you, he was respectful when he met your parents, and he gets along really well with your friends. You couldn’t have seen his downside when you first got together. But since he lost his job, you’ve discovered he has a really short temper. Plus, he hasn’t been too aggressive in finding work. In fact, he said that he’s contemplating a new career, although he doesn’t know what that will be quite yet.

Revelations like this present a real problem. People fall hard and fast for each other, which is wonderful and normal. No one should begrudge anyone’s puppy love. But as any parent will tell their teens, puppy love is evanescent. True love takes endurance. Which is why there’s no point in beating yourself up about not trusting your judgment. It doesn’t do you any good.

By the same token, I’m not saying that you should always trust your judgment. We’re humans. We make mistakes. However, like lab rats who get shocked when they go for the wrong cheese, we have the capacity to learn from them. And if you’re going out with the same narcissistic guy or the same alcoholic guy or the same emotionally unavailable guy over and over and over gain, THAT’s where you need to beat up on yourself. The one thing you can trust is that you’ve been down this path before and you know how it ends.

It may make perfect sense to be gun-shy following a string of mistakes, but the present is not the past, and you are not the same as you were during your last relationship. Because relationships are inherently exploratory, judgment is best rendered later, when you have more facts. And if, after all of this, you still can’t trust your judgment, try to trust your gut – the part that says that you’re not excited by him, the part that says that something’s a little off. You’ll never know right off the bat if the guy who’s close with his family is a spineless mama’s boy, so give him a fair shake until he doesn’t deserve one. Just don’t expect your friends to tell you the truth until it’s over.

LINDA:

One of the things people asked me when they found out I was working on our book was an obvious, but intriguingly weird, question: Why would anybody listen to a single person's thoughts about relationships? This was a question particularly directed to me by a couple of smug married people I met casually, who wouldn't read a book like Why You're Still Single anyway, didn't know me, and believed that they were far more difficult to read than they actually were.

The thesis behind this question is that a single person, by definition, knows nothing about relationships, because if she did, she wouldn't be single. It makes sense on the surface, right? But think about it this way: if success is defined as the ability to have a long-term relationship that doesn't end for one reason or another, then every person starts every new relationship batting 0-for-whatever. All your relationships have ended. You haven't made it work yet. Ergo, you know nothing.

This kind of thinking, if you embrace it, will sink you. You are asking yourself to enter your next relationship assuming you don't know anything. In my experience, it's not the things you genuinely don't know that mess you up; it's the things you won't admit you know. It's the things that are sitting right there ready to be noticed if you're willing to pay attention to what's already happened in your own life.

You've learned, for instance, that when people stop calling and they make you do all the work, that's a bad sign. You've learned that picking at the scab of an old argument has never, ever, in the history of your relationships, made anything better. You've learned that nobody interesting is attracted to you when you act helpless. You've learned that showing off how damaged and needy you are will only attract drama.

So you have two choices. You can go on the theory that you don't know anything. You're single, after all. What do you know? Or you can listen to your own judgment and your own experience, and you can admit that you have, in whatever painful way, probably learned a lot.

Of course, the problem is the fact that not all your instincts should be obeyed. Lots of things -- fear, overthinking, past hurts, external pressure -- can throw them off. It's not that you should act on every impulse that you have on the assumption that your accumulated wisdom will steer your impulses every time. The trick, I think, is how to tell the difference between an impulse and an instinct. I'd love to tell you that there's a rule of thumb that will identify the difference between a gut feeling you must not ignore and one that you must overcome. From time to time, you're going to guess wrong; there's no way around it.

Consider the classic problem of what to take personally. Your boyfriend is busy at work, and he stops calling. On the one hand, your experience will tell you that signals that come in the form of people pulling back from you should not be ignored, and that reading the room is important. On the other hand, it may also tell you that you have some tendency to take things to heart that should not be taken as such. What do you do? It would be great if there were a bulletproof way to be right, but you're going to have to draw a line. In this case, it's a line that marks how much dropping out is too much before you freak out. The fact that you freaked out unnecessarily last time over not being called for two days doesn't mean that you should let it go by if you don't get a call for two weeks. In the same way, the fact that you feel like you missed the signs last time because your boyfriend avoided you for three weeks doesn't mean that the first time he asks for a night alone, you should tell him you get it, tell him you understand, wish him well, and rush right over to pick up the DVD you left at his apartment so that the two of you never have to speak again.

What you have to do is read the signs -- all the signs, good and bad, and do the best you can. You know things, and it's when you can feel yourself straining to ignore one of those things you know that you're going to get yourself in trouble. What do you, a single person, know about relationships? Probably more than you think.

Copyright © 2006 Evan Marc Katz and Linda Holmes

EVAN MARC KATZ is the founder of E-Cyrano.com, an online dating consulting service that partners with JDate and other dating sites. He has been featured on CNN, Fox, NPR, and the Today Show, and, yes, he is, in fact, single and living in Los Angeles.

LINDA HOLMES writes as "Miss Alli" for Television Without Pity and is a frequent contributor to MSNBC.com. She lives in Minneapolis.

Visit www.whyyourestillsingle.com for more information.

If This Coaching Gig Doesn't Work Out, Maybe I'll Work For AOL

E-Cyrano — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 06:29:00 +0000

Since we last spoke, I've written five articles for Match.com's Happen Magazine and another two for my monthly newsletter. Factor in the TV shows I'm creating (didn't you know I used to be a writer?) and my day-to-day E-Cyrano, dating coaching and book promotion gigs, and yeah, I'm just little overextended.

But tonight's blog entry should be enough to satisfy anyone remotely curious about what the hell I have to say for a good long while. Thanks go to my publicists for hooking me up with the fine people at AOL, specifically, their book and podcasting maven, Bethanne Patrick.

Here's the link to my surprisingly fun podcast where I discuss the ins and outs of "Why You're Still Single" with Bethanne:

Here's a link to a transcript of the same interview:

And if these interviews just have you feeling all warm and tingly about our little book, please check out the spankin' new "Why You're Still Single" website, complete with press, reviews, sample chapters and more...even a quiz!

Listen To The Sound of My Voice

E-Cyrano — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 03:06:00 +0000

Here's a podcast that I recorded to coincide with the release of the book. It's only about 11 minutes long, so I promise it won't take up your whole day.

However, if you have more time to spend, get the two hour interview I recorded with dating guru Christian Carter from CatchHimAndKeepHim.com. His interview series is second to none, since he asks probing questions and has the time to wait for cogent and developed answers. Such are the advantages of not having to wrap a segment in four minutes.

Christian's advice is for women, but if you're a man looking for some commonsense, you should probably check out David DeAngelo's DoubleYourDating.com. He's prolific and wildly popular among men looking for an edge in the dating world.

All Book, All The Time

E-Cyrano — Thu, 15 Jun 2006 01:40:00 +0000

Today Show, Extra, CNN’s “Showbiz Tonight”, “Fox and Friends”, “DaySide” on Fox, New York Daily News, New York Post, Shape Magazine, Tango Magazine, Complete Woman Magazine, Jewish Journal, Village Voice, Happen Magazine, Yahoo Personals, JMag, CatchHimAndKeepHim, Flash News Service, Bridgewater Courier News, Ford eNews, Cosmo Radio, WMGK – Philadelphia, KYXY – San Diego, Leeza Live, Fox Morning News, KPDQ – Portland, WTIC – Connecticut, KRNY – Monterrey, WMYX - Wisconsin

These are the places that have mentioned "Why You're Still Single" thus far, and the book's only been out for two weeks. Like all authors, we're obsessively checking our Amazon rankings and were pleased when we went up to #30 in the Amazon Relationship bestsellers list. We'd like to think it had something to do with our appearances on Weekend Today, Fox and Friends, DaySide and CNN Showbiz News on four consecutive days, but maybe not. After all, Weekend Today was pre-empted by the French Open in California, and our stint on DaySide was somewhat inhibited by a previous segment on chihuahua races. But hey, who are we to complain?

I won't go on and on about this, but my co-author, Linda, has some funny thoughts about the whole absurdity of the media circuit.

As for me? I'm just getting psyched for summer in L.A. Just this weekend, I got a picnic at the beach with the girlfriend, a new membership at LACMA, and a dance party that I'm itching to attend. Who cares if I couldn't tell Li'l Jon from Li'l Kim? Gimme a few beers and it doesn't make a difference.

Oh, finally, we got our first review from esteemed book reviewer, Luan Gaines. It's the first time I've ever been compared to Simon Cowell in print, but for four stars, I'll take it.

The Latest on "Why You're Still Single"

E-Cyrano — Mon, 05 Jun 2006 00:50:00 +0000

Why You're Still Single is the big news over here. It's a light, breezy, he said/she said look at the most important question that faces people on the far side of thirty. I've already done interviews with Fox Morning News, Leeza Gibbons, and the New York Daily News and there's a lot more on the way, including a big appearance with my co-author Linda Holmes on the Today Show on June 10th. (Yes, there is a Weekend Today Show).

I also have book signings scheduled for the following Los Angeles locations:
• June 20th, Borders Books in Westwood, 7pm
• August 17th, Barnes and Noble on the 3rd Street Promenade, 7:30pm

I'll probably read from my five favorite chapters and discuss the ideas behind them. Guaranteed to be a good time. And, hey, if you show up, you stand to meet a bunch of other single people too... You can't lose!

Sample chapters can be read at the book's website. If you like what you see, I'd be honored if you bought the book. Even more honored if you wrote something nice on Amazon. :)

Don't Call Me Sugar

E-Cyrano — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 21:38:00 +0000

Years ago, I went out with a woman three times in a couple of weeks. Even though I was making $30,000 as a customer service representative at JDate, I'd paid for everything, including two $75 meals and a dozen bagels one Sunday morning when she'd forgotten her wallet. Generously, she offered to pick up our fourth date.

She called me at work the next day to tell me that she heard of a play that sounded like fun. She said she was busy and asked if I could find out if there were tickets available. No problem. I called the theater and learned there were only six left. What's a guy to do? No big deal, I bought a pair of tickets and figured she'd pick up dinner before we went out.

After our $40 meal, she put down her credit card and went to the bathroom. When she came back, she noticed that I didn't put in my card to pick up or split the check. Upon which she glared at me and said, with a ton of venom and not a shred of irony: "What am I, your sugar mama?!"

Yeah, being a guy isn't always the most rewarding thing in the world. But what are you gonna do? I've stopped wondering about what's "fair" and have decided to embrace the system I've inherited. In this system, a guy pays unquestionably, and if a woman offers to pay, he is supposed to say no. At least on the first few dates. Or as long as she's being courted. Or maybe always. It depends on the woman. We can never know unless we let down our guard and allow her to pick up a check. And by then, it's often too late to justify your egalitarian behavior.

This is a quandary, all right, and there is no one right answer. As a guy who's been on far too many dates, I've heard all the stories from both sides and every angle. But since logic doesn't seem to get much play in this realm, I'm gonna give it some face time.

WHAT PEOPLE SAY:

HER: He should WANT to pay for me.

Yes, and, generally, that is the case. Being generous, especially to someone you care about, is an incredible feeling - right up there, I'm told, with having everything paid for by someone else.

HIM: She EXPECTS me to pay for everything.

Yes, and that's the precedent that was established way before you were born. Don't fight it, just do it with a smile, 'cause if you don't, you ain't getting another date.

HER: He SHOULD pay, especially at the beginning.

This logic is a little dicier. Why should a man pay? Because it's chivalrous? Consider that chivalry started at a time when men worked and women didn't. Women, literally, could NOT pay. Thus, men picking up the check sprung out of necessity, not out of kindness. It has since been codified into a gentleman's code, which is considered in very poor taste to question. I'm not questioning, but see how angry you are that I'm even bringing it up?

HIM: But SHE asked me out.

So what? If etiquette says that you pay for the first date, and she expects you to pay for the first date, and you can afford to pay for the first date, then pay for the damn first date.

HER: It doesn't matter what he makes. A gentleman always pays.

If a guy makes a ton of money, I can assure you, it's his absolute joy and pleasure to spring for every last drink and spa treatment and treat you like the princess you undoubtedly are. But there's a big difference between being cheap and being poor. Cheap means the guy asks his date to pay for the fish when he ordered the less expensive chicken. Poor means that the guy has trouble making rent if he has to pay for five dates in a month. Put yourself in his position: it's hard to blame him for wanting to alternate checks.

My solution is, not surprisingly, an equivocation. Let's all try to understand one another. Guys, be as generous as possible, not only because she expects you to, but because it's genuinely rewarding to "be the guy" and make life easier on her. Women, be sympathetic to the grad student or schoolteacher that doesn't have the means to be as chivalrous as he'd like to be. You may not be our sugar mamas, but please don't take it for granted that we're your ATM's, okay?

So Much to Say, So Little Time...

E-Cyrano — Mon, 10 Apr 2006 19:29:00 +0000

Neat things that I've been up to during the past month:

1) Fine tuned my advice page on Cupid.com. Shout-outs to Steve Bywater and Kelly Stearns for being the first online dating executives to truly integrate and promote E-Cyrano on their website.

2) Talked with the amazing publicists at Goldberg-McDuffie and FSB Associates about working on "Why You're Still Single". Shout-outs to Megan Beatie and Fauzia Burke for believing in the book and investing the time and resources to make sure it finds its audience.

3) Took yoga and salsa lessons. I'm terrible at both, to the point where my sister praised me for being bold enough to risk looking so bad. But still, the classes are tons of fun and they take me out of my head for a solid hour. In fact, that's one of the best endorsements I can give: "You have to concentrate so hard in order to do it right that you don't have a chance to think about anything else." This is surprisingly therapeutic.

4) Starting writing an article that I hope to submit to the New York Times Modern Love column. I'm very excited about this and would love to even post it here, but that would sort of defeat the point of having it published, wouldn't it?

5) Submitted some articles to Gather.com, including one, "Don't Call Me Sugar", which got an amazing reaction and became the Editor's Pick of the Day. Of course, any piece which debates whether a man or a woman should pay for a date is gonna stir up a hornet's nest. Hmm... maybe I'll put it up here, too. Yep. See the next blog post.

6) Put up a My Space page for Why You're Still Single. Despite my online dating expertise, still don't know how to make friends on there. I must admit that my first grey hairs (four of them, on my left temple) have made me feel a little old for the place.

7) Had dinner with my high school crush, who I found on My Space, living a few miles away from me in Santa Monica. It had been sixteen years since we'd seen each other which is probably why we chatted for four hours over dinner and drinks. Far more time was spent discussing our post-high-school careers, jobs, love lives, etc., but we did, in fact, talk about both my super-mullet and the bad poetry I wrote to her back in the day. Good times. Turns out my former crush grew up to be exactly who I expected her to be, which is a high compliment, indeed. And since she's a film buff, she saw me on HBO during Project Greenlight. Crazy. Needless to say, she was surprised when she found out about my new career as an author and dating expert. And, considering how I did with girls in high school, my current job was as predictable as me playing QB for the Jets. All in all, it was a fun evening, one which will be repeated again - next time, with her husband and my girlfriend.

8) Found out that two very special people in my life passed away last week. People that I've known since childhood. One was like an uncle to me when I was growing up in Long Island; the other was a kindred spirit who was cursed with a condition that restricted her lung capacity to about 10% of what it should be. She lived twice as long as doctors expected and appreciated every day that she woke up in the morning. An obvious lesson to the rest of us. I can only wish that both of my old friends are resting in peace, wherever they are.

Good News

E-Cyrano — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 00:54:00 +0000

Sure, there's my upcoming book, the E-Cyrano partnerships in development, a fancy new home page redesign, my amazing girlfriend, and the fact that Duke is still alive in the Tournament, but what's really floating my boat these days is that my clients are pairing up like rabbits. These three emails have all arrived in the last week and I couldn't be happier:

Evan,

I believe it works! I've met a great guy already...after about 6 dates...I'm in Colorado skiing this week and my new "friend' is making reservations to great events for us!

DJ, Palo Alto

Hi Evan

You worked with me on my profile (11/04). Anyway, I met someone last March, '05 and we have been dating exclusively since then. When his divorce is final, I think we will be making a long term commitment formally....

LR, Boston

Hi Evan,

Just thought I'd send you a quick note to let you know that your stuff works. You reworked my profile back in March of 2004 and I have gotten lots of positive comments on it by women.

Anyway, there was a girl I wanted to write to. Since she had that blah profile of generalities that everyone else has, I started to write her the same email that everyone else would send: how I'm close to my family and love my career and it sounds like we have lots in common. But taking the advice of your of your recent newsletter, I sent her a short, silly, made-up email.

Frankly, I doubted your system since it didn't convey any "actual" interest in the other person as much as just an odd comment. Apparently though, it works, because she immediately wrote back! We've already exchanged several emails, and while I don't know that it is going to go anywhere, I was pleasantly surprised at how well that little humorous email worked. I'd never of thunk it :-).

Thanks again,

KR, Cleveland

Couple this with lavish customer praise for three different E-Cyrano writers (Josh, Michaela, and Christine), and well, my spirits couldn't be much higher.

The moral of the story, as usual, is that online dating works.

Writing creatively works. Acting thoughfully works. Keeping at it works. And if you're not yet convinced, here's another story that validates this premise:

Actually, let's make that one its own post. (read "Handsome, But Clueless" above)

Handsome, But Clueless

E-Cyrano — Tue, 21 Mar 2006 01:36:00 +0000

No, not me (although you can come to your own conclusions). This is just the title of a really nice feature about some of my happy E-Cyrano clients.

So for all the people who want to fall in love...and for all the dating sites that want to help others fall in love... What are you waiting for?!

This stuff works!

Dial 1-866-432-9726 and I'll personally help you become our latest success story!

The Wisdom of Experience

E-Cyrano — Tue, 07 Mar 2006 00:47:00 +0000

I spend a decent amount of time thinking of ways to express universal sentiments in a unique fashion. It's what I do for online dating profiles, it's why I enjoy being a dating coach, and it was definitely the impetus for me to write my latest book, "Why You're Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad".

Yet the longer I do this, the more it occurs to me that there are few unique situations, and even fewer definite answers. True wisdom comes in the form of synthesizing past experiences in order to prepare for the present. If you don't have past experiences in a particular realm, that's when it becomes useful to seek advice from those who do.

To wit, I received a really great email today from a client who had an experience with a man who has some personal and emotional problems. It's a shame, because my client liked him, was attracted to him, and was cautiously optimistic about their potential. But, unfortunately, this gentleman's "issues" will most definitely prevent any potential future between them.

Anyway, my client emailed me to ask for my take on things. She also gave me four bullet points about what she got out of her two-date experience with this man.

1. I started to like the emails and phone calls (you’re right, if they don’t call very often, they’re probably not that interested.)
2. It was okay to tell him I liked him, thought he was cute, looked forward to seeing him again, etc.
3. Found that I can still be physically attracted to someone and don’t need to settle for just companionship and no sparks.
4. It’s okay to pick up the phone and call a guy if he likes me. Also okay to initiate plans for another date.

At the end of the email, she asked me for my "professional" take on this whole thing. Of course, I told her the truth - she'd already figured out my take on this whole thing, just by working with me for a few months. The only difference is that she finally had the experience for herself, which reinforced the theoretical stuff we'd discussed on the phone.

So what could I possibly say to this woman who already had it figured out? Simply this: "You’ve already done the best thing; gleaned the positive from it. Cute guys are rare. Cute smart guys, even rarer. Cute, smart guys with their heads on straight? That’s the holy grail. Keep looking for it. You’re doing great."

As I said in my last E-Cyrano newsletter, part of being a dating expert is making lots of mistakes and attempting to learn from them. It also means knowing when not to speak and when to acknowledge that someone's doing everything right. I'm thrilled when clients can put the pieces together, draw logical conclusions, and act accordingly, as this woman did.

We can probably all agree that dating ain't easy, but, with enough practice, I do think that we can all become "experts" on human behavior.

First Impressions

E-Cyrano — Sat, 03 Dec 2005 18:16:00 +0000

On Match.com, I'm mysterE32. On JDate, I was nyfunnyguy32 until I switched to mysterE32 and then, LuckAndTiming. Say what you will about my chosen monikers, but they do not sound identical to everybody else. MysterE is a play on words using, obviously, the word "mystery" and my first initial. I actually get compliments on it from time to time. Nyfunnyguy wouldn't be a very good name if I were living in New York, but, to a strange woman in Los Angeles, an East Coast guy who writes comedy is a good place to start a conversation. Even when I was once identified by my username at a Santa Monica bar, "Hey, Nyfunnyguy!", it reaffirmed one crucial, if embarrassing thing - my advertising had been effective. I doubt she would have said "Hey, Mike1234" if that were my name.

Things like usernames and headlines are a thorn in the side of a lot of online daters. I mean, no one really cares about this stuff, do they? For the most part, the answer is no. Unless it's egregiously bad or - more rarely - exceptionally good. A good username can actually start a conversation - I started talking with a BePatientImBlond for that very reason. I've assisted other clients (who shall remain user-nameless), and have not only gotten them great feedback on their profiles, but kudos on their usernames as well.

As I've counseled regarding profiles and photos, browse through a few dozen pages of members and count how many usernames stand out. Ask yourself why. Generally, it's because there's no thought or creativity employed in choosing one. I'm asking you to go the extra mile and do both. Choose a subject that's dear to you. Doesn't have to say everything about you, or really anything about you. Just something fun. Spin it around in your head, hold it up to the light from different angles. Sooner or later, something is going to pop. That something is going to be your username. The best ones are usually double entendres or plays on words; taking the familiar and making it different. Like mysterE, for example. Whatever you suggest, there is a punny, if not funny, answer.

Bowling? LuckyStrike.
Dancing? Two2Tango.
City planning? UrbanMiff.

Oh, come on! Of course you're going to write to UrbanMiff! Hell, I think I'm gonna use that name myself.

Usernames are surprisingly important, not because they're dealbreakers, but because they're literally your IDENTITY on a website. And why would anyone want to be TopekaTim when he can be JayhawksRock?

Headlines aren't on every site, but, like the very boldface type that makes you pick up a tabloid when you're standing on the grocery checkout line, they do have an impact on your decision to look within. All things remaining equal, if the photo is average, are you telling me that you're NOT going to look at someone who made you laugh using just one line? To the shallow end of the pool you go! The rest of us are gonna brainstorm some headlines over here.

Remember, your job is to be appealing to those who get the joke but not unappealing to those who don't get it. If Star Wars-insider references are your thing and you're casting for the part of your geek-lover, go out on a limb. Return of the Judy is probably more effective than The Evil-Ex Strikes Back.

Keeping it light is always better than going heavy. Saying something meaningless is more effective than plumbing the depths of your soul. Using an adjective should, frankly, get you kicked off of the site. Unless you're doing it as a joke, like my personal favorite headline: "Funny guy with killer body and money to burn seeks woman who doesn't believe everything she reads." It works only because so many people say it seriously, "Down to earth man with good job seeks cool girl for love and laughter." Get me a bucket. I'm gonna vomit. Better to stay away from who you are, away from what you're looking for. If they want to know that, they can read your brilliant essays. Better to say something goofy in your headline like "Order Now While Supplies Last!" which can elicit a smile and a deeper peek into your profile.

Do headlines matter? I don't know. But why not add a witty headline to the list of ways in which someone can be impressed by you?

It Ain't Just Fabio

E-Cyrano — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 22:49:00 +0000

I'm taking off on Tuesday to do some media interviews on behalf of Harlequin Books' 2006 Romance Report. The theme of this year's report is "The Encounter", which is to say, making the most of "real-life" chance meetings. The irony that I've made a career out of meeting people online doesn't escape me, but I'm gonna do my best anyway. I'm just tickled by the mere fact that I get to wear the title "Romance Consultant", if only for a couple of weeks.

Anyway, the Romance Report, which is a free download, has all sorts of juicy tidbits, the type that you get when you poll 2000 people around the world.

Among my favorite factoids:

Men and women EQUALLY value sense of humor and intelligence in the opposite sex.

Men value attraction 11% more than women. Women value financial stability 9% more than men.

More women (43%) than men (38%) said that they have judged a person by his/her appearance in a first encounter.

Almost one in five men and women admitted to faking an encounter by "bumping into" someone on purpose.

Among reasons that we haven't found Mr./Ms. Right, "no time" got 38% of the vote, followed by "no good places to meet" (28%) and "all the good ones are taken" with 20%.

I've already talked about this stuff to the New York Post and I have both CNN and ABC to look forward to as we lead up to Valentine's Day. Fun, fun, fun.

Both Harlequin Books, and their PR firm, Burson-Marsteller, have been incredible, and are worthy of commendation. I even learned that my childhood friend, Lynn Messina, is a Harlequin author, under their Red Dress Ink imprint. So, to those of you who just think of bodice-rippers when you think of Harlequin, think again. They have some quality chick-lit, among other things. And yes, I've read Lynn's books. And hope to see the movie they're making out of her first one, Fashionistas.

Anyway, I'm off to get some sunshine. Thank God it's Friday...

Knock 'Em Dead - Write Introductory Emails That Get Responses

E-Cyrano — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 22:59:00 +0000

Here's a new article which I wrote as a special to Yahoo! Personals. I hope you enjoy.
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Of all the things that clients (especially men) ask me to help them with, the most common query involves assistance with writing introductory emails. And while I never write emails for others, the request makes perfect sense. After all, most people’s profiles don’t exactly give you a ton of material to work with, do they? So how do you cobble together something from a pile of nothing? Well, you can start by remembering these three basic rules:

1. If someone else can say it, don’t say it. It’s not that “You’ve got a great smile, let’s go out sometime” is a bad opener. It’s just so … easy. And easy equals common. Ask yourself if what you’re writing sounds completely original. If not, the person you’re contacting probably has 10 emails just like yours sitting on the computer screen.

2. Cut to the chase. Don’t waste time with a whole bunch of text that doesn’t tell the recipient anything new. Consider a message like this:

Dear JB,

I read your profile and thought it was really amazing. Plus, you’re really cute. So please look at my profile and if you like what I had to say, write back to me when you get a chance.

Yours,

Evan

Every line of this message can be thrown out. Why? Because anyone whom you contact knows by virtue of you writing to them that a) you liked their profile, b) you liked their photo and c) you’d like a reply. So why say any of it? Better to come up with a fun, unique angle.

3. Be flirty. Be confident. Be different. Keep in mind that YOU are the commodity here. Even though you’re writing to someone out of the blue, do so with the belief that this person would be lucky to have you. If you’re too complimentary in that initial email, you can come off as desperate and needy. So don’t go overboard. Say a couple of funny, coy lines and get out. Your profile ultimately does the selling; your email just has to pique their interest.

Still, the question remains: how do you say something original and flirty? That, my friends, is what separates the most successful online daters from the rest of the pack.

Here are three steps to set you on the right path. In this case, I’ve written them for men replying to women, but the steps are applicable to everyone:

Step 1: Read her profile closely. Every word of it. Remember, that’s why she wrote it – because she wants you to get to know her, not because she wants to be told for the umpteenth time that she’s hot. Men who treat women as unique and interesting individuals stand a much greater shot of receiving a response.

The thing is, even if she’s interesting, she most likely wrote a whole bunch of clichés in her profile: “I’m nice, smart, kind, warm, funny, honest and family-oriented. I like hiking, biking, movies, music, travel. I’m looking for my best friend, lover and partner in crime for a lifetime of love and laughter.” (Scary how easy it is to approximate the typical online dating profile, isn’t it?) Obviously, there’s not much to respond to here. Even a specific response like “I noticed you enjoy biking. What trail do you ride on?” is kind of bland, although it is sincere. So let’s think outside the box, shall we?

Step 2: Find the most interesting tidbit in her entire profile. NOT the thing you like the most, NOT the thing you find most attractive, NOT the thing you have in common. The most interesting tidbit in her profile is the thing that sounds like it couldn’t have been written by anybody else in the world. It might be how she hates pigeons. It might be how she was once a foot model. It might be how she doesn’t know how to program her TiVo. Whatever it is, take her quirky tidbit and turn it into your pickup line.

Step 3: Write something that’s not true. Yes, you heard me correctly. The most effective way to catch someone’s attention in an initial email is with fiction. Why? Because the truth, as we’ve established, is boring.

Yes, you think she’s attractive.

Yes, you think her profile is entertaining.

Yes, you think it’s cool that she also likes Robert DeNiro movies and skiing in Vail.

But does any of that sound like a good pickup line to you? Not really. Dig deeper.

Step 4: Take her factoid and apply it to yourself in a fictional fashion. The sillier and more over-the-top your email, the funnier it’ll be. A good joke doesn’t require an explanation – it’s obviously a joke. For example, if you’re writing to the foot model, you might say:

Once upon a time, I was a knee model. Great money, tons of fame, you know the deal … Then I skinned my knee when rollerblading. I never modeled again.

Let’s drink to our fashion careers,

Evan

Sure, it’s a little goofy, but people actually respond to this stuff. Why? Because it’s different, it’s audacious and, in a strange way, it’s kind of smart. Most importantly, it’s confident. It’s not an idle compliment or a generic, “Ooh, look what we have in common” line. It’s a joke and, as we all know, people like people who make them laugh.

Wanna try again? Let’s take the TiVo woman.

Start your comment in the subject heading of the email, like this…

TiVo for Dummies

I can fix your computer, landscape your backyard and probably even hotwire your car, but, for some reason, TiVo programming seems to elude me as well. So if you’re interested in watching the entire season of “When Animals Attack”… in Spanish … with subtitles … I’m definitely your guy.

Talk to you soon,
Evan

If these kinds of emails don’t work for you, no problem. Humor is subjective. Just keep in mind that the confidence it takes to write an email like that is compelling. Playing it safe is fine, but if an attractive person has dozens, if not hundreds, of options, you need to shake things up a little bit to break through the clutter.

Now what are you gonna say to that pigeon-hater?

The State of the Online Dating Industry

E-Cyrano — Sat, 04 Feb 2006 23:16:00 +0000

Just got back last night from the annual iDate Conference in Miami. Friends are often surprised to learn that this industry has its own conference, but when there are over 1000 online dating sites competing for a billion dollars in revenue, it makes sense for the players to congregate, network and exchange trade secrets.

This is my third conference and when I go down, I find that it's as a representative for all the online daters out there who may not feel that the sites are listening to them. You may be shocked to learn that, in fact, they are listening to you - although they've been admittedly delinquent about taking action.

To illustrate the point, there were a number of businesses present that stand for cleaning up cyberspace. Safedate and BackgroundChecks were sturdy standbys from last year. But my favorite innovators were these two:

Honesty Online - A group of East Coast mensches, led by husband/wife team Mark and Esther Ezra, Honesty Online is about verifying the most important characteristics - height, weight, martial status, employment, STD's. By far, the most comprehensive background check I've seen, they're hoping that by creating a more honorable code for online daters, others will step up and verify themselves. I sure hope they're right.

Talk Plus - With one simple download, cell phone subscribers can enjoy such powerful features as multiple phone numbers and caller identities on a single phone. What does this mean for you? Basically that no one ever has to know your real phone number unless you want him to. Sick of the guy who keeps calling your fake number? Block him and when he calls, it'll say that your line has been disconnected, although it hasn't. Utterly ingenious.

What I enjoy particularly from these events, in addition to collecting 400 business cards in my wallet, are the speakers who dare to be provocative and say things that others might not want to hear.

Robert Fisher of Great Expectations is the best at this. A man with fifteen years of experience and no shortage of stage presence, Fisher always states his mind (which is usually right), consequences be damned. He's currently working on a venture that merges online and offline dating that will shake up this industry (in a good way) when it launches.

Other speakers who struck me with their insights included the always entertaining Julie Ferman of Cupid's Coach, who believes that if you listen to people's needs, you'll improve your bottom line; Mark Brooks of OnlinePersonalsWatch, who kept coming back to the forgotten concept of integrity and Dr. John Gray of Mars/Venus fame, who has as much wisdom as anyone about the dicey interplay between men and women. I got to join Dr. Gray and his staff for lunch after his speech and was impressed with his breadth of knowledge about an array of subjects from brain chemistry to dieting (although I can still teach him a thing or two about online dating!)

Other execs impress for their ability to be cool and diplomatic in all circumstances - notably Brad Hogg of Relationship Exchange, and Meir Strahlberg of Date.com. Both see the winds of change coming and are extremely open to partnering with others in order to strengthen their positions in the marketplace.

Finally, I probably learned more from a few hours drinking vodka with Drew Kossoff from David DeAngelo's Double Your Dating than I've gleaned from a dozen business books. I may never become an online marketing guru like DeAngelo, but I do hope to speak at his seminar series and work with them in the future. Good people.

And that's why I left Florida with a sense of hope about the online dating industry. The folks I've cited, and many more, really do care about the well-being of their clients. It's only a matter of time before these suggested changes take hold. So if you're a single person reading this, you should probably stick around. The best is yet to come.