“If he’s interested in me, he’ll write to me.”

Or so the perception goes for millions of women.

Let me tell you the reality.

Men start their pursuit of online love with an arbitrary search (such as 40-50, as if 39 was too young or 51 was too old). The women whom they find physically attractive get bookmarked on their favorites list. For the sake of this example, let's say that there are thirty women on a man's favorites list (although it's often more, for young demographics in densely populated cities).

Now, who is he going to contact first? If he's an average man, he'll write to the hottest woman with whom he thinks he has a chance. Generally this means sending off twenty emails or winks to these women in a matter of minutes. Of course, none of them will write him back because their inboxes are full and his email was impersonal.

The guys then get a bit of a reality check. Don't get me wrong, they're still going to write to women, who are, on average, more attractive than they are. But this time, they're going to actually read what the women wrote in their profiles. This is why a great profile serves two purposes: 1) it gives the guy his opening line and 2) it attracts the kind of guys who care about more than looks. Anyway, let's say our fictional man whips out five semi-personal emails in a half-hour. And, to his surprise, one of the women writes back.

This is wonderful news, but it’s not wonderful enough to stop him from browsing more women online. Over the next few days, while corresponding with this one woman, he adds ten new women to his favorites list. And so it continues. He writes to hot women, gets ignored, and then writes to more obtainable women, with mixed results.

What this means is that there are women on his favorites list that he never emails - even though he thinks that they're attractive. It's not right, it's not wrong. It's just common, and worth understanding. Especially since one of those women might be you.

Having dated online for seven years, I can assure you that if one of these women wrote to me first, I'd be thrilled and flattered. In fact, my first three online girlfriends all initiated contact with me. So remember, before you write to that cute guy you've been eyeing: as long as you don't lose power in that initial email (by fawning over him instead of coyly flirting with him), you will have gotten the ball rolling in an easy, low-stakes fashion.

Think of it like smiling at a guy at a bar so that he approaches you. You may have initiated contact, but he still has to make the first move.

For more advice from Evan please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.