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Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Chivalry – It's Not Dead, but It Sure is Misleading.
This month's tip was inspired by a short piece on the blog of Jillian Straus, author of Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single. She asserts that "Courtship -- the process by which we decide whether or not we will have a long-term relationship with someone -- is really not a good predictor of what kind of boyfriend or husband a man will make."
All I have to say to this is: "Amen".
Straus continues her analysis by stating: "Just because he hasn't mastered date etiquette doesn't mean he won't be a wonderful, loyal, partner who makes you smile. The next time you are tempted to refuse a second date because the guy didn't handle things exactly the way you would have liked, THINK AGAIN!"
Before you get too upset, please allow me to clarify (if not for Jillian, then for myself). I'm not defending guys who are obsessed with their work and don't ask about yours. I'm not letting men off the hook if they are jobless and expecting you to take care of them. And I'm certainly not saying that it's cool to play the sex card too early. Creeps will always be creeps, no matter what any of us say or do.
However, I would suggest that women and men have very different experiences when dating. After a given date, men generally ask themselves two questions: 1) Am I attracted to her? 2) Did I have fun with her? If the answer to both of those is "yes", he asks her out a second time. The logic doesn't run much deeper than that. Women, on the other hand, tend to focus more on the details. This doesn't mean that they are not concerned about 1) attraction or 2) having fun, but that a whole host of other questions arise as well:
What did he wear?
What kind of restaurant did he choose?
How did he talk to the waiter?
Did he order for me or ask to take my order?
How quickly did he reach for the check?
And yes, one can extrapolate the results of these questions to determine major character flaws in a man. I mean, who wants to be with a guy wearing penny loafers at the Olive Garden, snapping his fingers at the waiter, and waiting to split the bill?
But should any of these things individually amount to dealbreakers? Isn't it possible that the only reason he's doing these things is simply that he doesn't know better? I'd say so. Honestly, do you actually think that the guy would be DOING the offending behavior if he knew how much it was backfiring? Of course not. So while it's embarrassing for a forty-year-old man not to know the basic rules of dating etiquette, I personally don't think this should disqualify him from all future consideration.
A former client emailed me last month with dating dilemma. Her date picked up the dinner tab immediately, but when she said thank you, he replied, "You're welcome. You can get the next one." Bad move. Even though she liked him a lot and could certainly afford to get the next one, she was quite put off by this comment. But should she be? And if so, how much weight should something like this carry?
Listen, I'm not unsympathetic to women who want to be courted. I agree that lack of chivalry could be a big red flag. Then again, I also think that chivalry is a skill that can be learned by any decent man. So if your untamed brute is cute and smart and funny and nice, why not focus on those things instead? As he invests more in you, he’s going to want to please you. And that's when you can explain how important the little things are. Trust me, I'm eternally grateful to each of my girlfriends for having the patience to see through my ignorance and teach me some manners. Manners, might I add, with which I was neither born nor raised.
There are so many other reasons to be incompatible, why focus on this one?
To read previous Online Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive.
For one-on-one advice from Evan, please go to www.evanmarckatz.com.
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