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Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Honesty is for Other People
There are some things that are hard to justify. Guns in schools, the Iraq war, and the price of courtside Lakers tickets immediately leap to mind. One of the things that's next to impossible to justify is dishonesty. Nothing brings out our self-righteous sides quite like when we're railing against liars. After all, who doesn't hate a liar? Liars are what make us wary in relationships and distrustful in business. Without liars, we could be the straight shooters we fancy ourselves, laying the truth on the line with no fear of trickery. Imagine a universe in which everyone said what he meant and meant what he said. It almost makes you want to join hands and buy the world a Coke. Of course, this utopian vision doesn't account for human nature. And after another online dating conference in Miami, I have come to the conclusion that, for all the talk about honesty, honesty is for other people. We can lie all we want, but god forbid someone lies to us, and there's gonna be hell to pay.
As far as I can tell, people lie for three main reasons:
1) Because they're selfish
2) Because they're insecure
3) Because they're trying to be polite.
So let's break it down:
The selfish liar is the guy who tells his new girlfriend that he loves her just so he can sleep with her. His callous disregard for her feelings make him the worst of the liars' lot. By detaching himself from the fallout of his behavior, and determining that his gain is more important than her loss, the selfish liar runs through relationships like Sherman made his way through the South. Unfortunately, his "me first" attitude usually can't be detected until you've already been burned.
The insecure liar is the most popular kind in the online dating world. If a man feels that he's too short, a woman thinks she's too heavy, or anyone perceives that their age might get in the way of attracting the right person, the insecure liar emerges. The way he sees it, he's just manipulating some vital stats in order to get an opportunity that otherwise would elude him. Oh, his lie will be explained...once he gets the date. This behavior is also selfish, but the motivation of this liar is primarily insecurity. Needless to say, this is a lie borne out of desperation, which is why insecure liars are to be pitied moreso than scorned.
The polite liar can be determined by a single question: "Do I look fat in these jeans?" If you agree that the only answer is "no", you may just be a polite liar. In all relationships, both personal and professional, there are polite lies that are completely warranted – unless, of course, you want to lose your girlfriend and job at the same time.
What have we established here? That people who lie may be either selfish, insecure and/or polite. Hmm... wouldn't that describe all of us? Then why do we get so angry at people who lie? I think it's because they're lying to us, which is worse than us lying to them.
So let's make one thing clear: liars aren't a "them"; they're an "us".
We are liars.
We are liars who complain about others who do the same.
Except we're so blind about ourselves and so forgiving of our own sins, that we rarely stop to acknowledge this basic truth.
So how do you clean up liars online? Well, it all starts with you, since you are the only person you can control. If you're a 150 pound woman who claims to be 130, you have no right complain when a 5'7" man claims to be 5'9". Thus, there is a very real pressure to lie. "Everyone else does it", we cry, as justification of our misdeeds. People on the far side of 40, in particular, hope to attract a younger, more vibrant mate, if only they didn't have to tell the truth. So they lie. And everyone feels duped. And complains. And quits. And comes back. And quits again.
I'm not here to judge the daters or the websites. Daters want the option of lying. A website's primary goal is to make money, so why crack down on liars? But I ask you this: if honesty is only for other people, what hope is there for any of us?
Want to know how to live this advice instead of just reading it and forgetting it?
Call me now at 866-432-9726 for some one-on-one dating coaching that will change your life.
To read about my private coaching packages, please go to www.evanmarckatz.com.
To read previous Online Dating Tips O’ the Month, please check out our Archive. |
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