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Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Forgive the Ignorance – a little advice that will pay off big
Ever gone out on a date, and at some point in the night, thought to yourself: "Why is this person ACTING that way? You're supposed to make me LIKE you. What the hell are you THINKING?"
Trust me, you're not alone. Bad daters are virtually synonymous with daters. The question is what are you – poor, exasperated you - going to do about it?
Answer: Forgive the Ignorance
Forgiving the ignorance means giving a break to a person who is exhibiting less than exemplary behavior on a date. The person might, in fact, be an awful human being, but probably not. More likely, he knows not what he does. This does not mean to ignore it if he paws you like an animal or laugh it off when she text messages her girlfriends during dinner. It just means that we are extremely quick to judge our dates. In fact, we are much harsher on others than we are on ourselves. If we do something dumb, it's no big deal. If our dates do something dumb, it's all over.
Two quick examples:
1) Guy takes out a woman for drinks. When the bill comes, the woman does the fake "reach" and offers to split the check. Guy accepts the offer. Guy never gets a second date.
Now, you can easily argue that if a man allows a woman to split the check, he's cheap - and who wants to spend her life with someone cheap? I can just as easily argue that if the man knew that splitting the check would prevent him from getting a second date, he never would have done so. And since you can never know whether he was cheap or if he was ignorant, I say "forgive the ignorance". Especially if you really liked him. Hey, it's easy to give up on a guy who makes a big dating faux pas; it's a lot wiser to consider that, for whatever reason, he might not know the rules. Nobody teaches him, so he never learns. I promise you that there are plenty of great guys who screw up simply because they don't know better. Forgive them. You may be pleasantly surprised.
2) Woman is excited about her first date. He asks her some personal questions after a drink or two, and she answers them, perhaps in a little too much detail. Maybe she tells a long story about an ex, maybe she acknowledges some issues from her past, maybe she even forgets to ask him questions in return. Whatever it is, after an hour, the guy's convinced that she's a troubled talkaholic who probably needs a shrink more than she needs a boyfriend.
He, too, should forgive the ignorance. There's a time and a place for everything, but sometimes, when we're feeling comfortable, we divulge more than is appropriate. And just like the woman who offered to split the check and was appalled when he took her up on the offer, men often ask questions and then hold women's lengthy and honest replies against them. She's just being herself – exactly who he encouraged her to be – and now her openness has become his ticket out the door.
This is patently unfair, but it's the kind of thing that women and men do on dates all the time. Men push for sex, then blame women for putting out. Women say they care more about character than looks, then complain if the guy is less than 5'8".
This is what we do. And look where it gets us.
So let's take a step back and consider what really happens on a date. He wants to impress her. She wants him to like her. Both are single, somewhat lonely, and really looking for a connection. And yet they do everything in their power to make sure that no connection is ever made – by picking up on some minor gesture or detail that becomes a dealbreaker.
Frankly, I think we're all just a bunch of little kids who can't seem to stifle our impulses. That man who brags about his car and his second home? He wants you to value him! That woman who confesses that she's made bad choices in the past? She wants you to love her! Stop holding these things against your dates. Everybody's doing the best they can, even if it isn't quite the way you'd draw it up yourself.
Listen, the dynamics of dating do not lend themselves to forgiveness. After all, we're making snap judgments on every date, because we feel we have infinite choices. But if you've ever had a date and had no idea why you didn't get a second one, maybe you should consider forgiving someone else's ignorance.
Wouldn't it be nice if someone did that for you?
Want to know how to live this advice instead of just reading it and forgetting it?
Call me now at 866-432-9726 for some one-on-one dating coaching that will change your life.
To read about my private coaching packages, please go to www.evanmarckatz.com.
To read previous Online Dating Tips O’ the Month, please check out our Archive. |
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