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Dating Tip O' The Month
You Can't Always Get What You Want
If you're single, you've probably experienced a moment of relationship perfection.
Maybe it was a blissful vacation romance that was doomed from the start. Maybe it was torrid three-month love affair that burned out too quickly. Maybe it was a passionate relationship that ended in a painful breakup.
While it might seem that the common denominator between those tales is the unadulterated happiness, in fact, the thread binding them it this:
All of those relationships ended.
Whether you ended it with them or they ended it with you, if you're not still together, something was broken and couldn't be fixed. And yet, as single people, we hold onto our memories of the past and we suffer. We idealize our former lovers, ignoring the bad, glorifying the good, and making it nearly impossible to ever move on.
The biggest problem in getting dumped is that your feelings don't stop when your relationship stops. If you were in love on Monday, your desire doesn't go away on Tuesday. Or for a long, long time after that. So while it's easy to see why you may still be enamored, holding onto your old feelings is counterproductive. It doesn't matter if you'd take back your ex. What matters is that your ex doesn't want you.
The simple fact of the matter is this: your future wife or husband doesn't dump you. He/she accepts you for your flaws, loves you in spite of them, and expresses devotion in every word and action. You know who does dump you? A person who wants to change you. A person who doesn't love you as you are. A person who thinks, rightfully or wrongfully, that there's someone better out there.
So why is it so hard to land the one you want?
Because what you want isn't necessarily good for you. And in going after the person you think you want, you ignore what you really need.
Want versus Need. It's a blurry area. Because ultimately, we want it all, even when our desires contradict themselves.
"I want someone with strong opinions...who's easygoing and never argues."
"I want someone who's spontaneous and wild...who has a stable job."
"I want someone who's gregarious at parties...but never flirts with anyone else."
You see the problem here? The qualities we seek often come with a significant downside – a downside that we tend to ignore. I have a dating coaching client who is in his mid-40's, smart, successful and serious about finding Ms. Right. Every week, we talk about his dates and how they match up with his mental checklist: someone with a MENSA I.Q and a model body. Yet he complains that the young, thin women are a little too immature, the brainy corporate lawyers, a little too demanding. We want the good qualities without the bad qualities. We want to be tolerated for our moodiness, but we want someone who's always sunny. We want to feel attractive when we let our bodies go, but we want someone who is fit and trim. We are all, to some degree, hypocrites.
How do you get over it?
Figure out what you NEED and separate it from what you WANT.
You want someone tall.
You need a strong emotional connection.
You want someone who likes the same music.
You need financial stability.
You want someone who is drop-dead gorgeous.
You need someone who accepts you at your worst.
When we're dating, we often look for people who are mirror images of us. For example, a successful woman will usually seek a successful man. But that very quality which makes them successful creates friction. Which is how you end up with two strong-willed people who can't stop arguing. Two people who demand all the attention. Two people who put their jobs before their relationships. It would seem that the best course of action would to find someone who complements us instead. But we don't. We just keep trying to find "better" versions of ourselves, to our own detriment.
It's no wonder we're still single.
If we're to overcome our basest wants, we need to focus on what's most important. We have to stop expecting people to act better than we do. We have to stop dissecting people like lab frogs and finding fault. We have to stop extolling the flashiest virtues – looks, money, pedigree – and start focusing on things like heart, kindness, compassion, and loyalty.
Only then can we reach the point where we say, content, looking at the ring on our finger: "It's not that my partner is perfect; it's that she's perfect for me."
If you're interested in finding that partner who is perfect for you, give me a call at 866-432-9726. I'm here to help.
To read previous Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive.
For more advice from Evan, please visit www.evanmarckatz.com. |
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