|
 |
Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Long-distance Relationships – Delightfully romantic or geographically undesirable?
A private client recently told me of his latest online dating dilemma. Not content with women in his area, he found himself corresponding with a woman in Europe. They've been emailing for nearly two months now and talk on the phone regularly. Listening to my client, it was very clear that he was developing feelings for this woman. Real feelings, based on real interactions with a real woman who really liked him as much as he liked her. Words like "special" and "different" and "amazing" were thrown around and the idea of her relocating to the States has already been bandied about.
This story is still in progress, so I can't tell you how it ends, but I can provide some perspective on long-distance online relationships. You might say I'm a pessimist...
First of all, I know a few couples who met on websites, did the whole transcontinental dating thing, and eventually got married. Undoubtedly, there are more than I even know. But these people are both extremely rare and extremely lucky.
As a dating coach whose job is to ask the tough questions, I would never ever ever encourage two people to embark on such a relationship.
In a nutshell, here’s why:
| 1) |
The build-up. While I am a firm advocate of using email and the phone to get to know someone before you meet, I'm talking about waiting a few days. A week, maybe. Long distance couples usually wait months before ever getting together in person. And, as everybody who's ever dated online already knows, a lot of people aren't as great in "real life" as they are on the phone. That elusive "chemistry" thing is still elusive, despite the long emails and the shared photos and the late night chat sessions. Many people end up getting disappointed by those first encounters, a disappointment only exacerbated by the protracted length of time you had to invest before your first date. I've been crushed after a week of phone calls. I could only imagine how I'd feel after four months and a $500 flight. |
| 2) |
The courtship. So you're in Fresno, he's in Pittsburgh. You've been talking for eight weeks. It's real. You connected. Hallelujah. After great consideration, instead of meeting for drinks somewhere centrally located, like Chicago, he decides to book a trip to California to meet you. You want him to stay with you, but maybe a hotel is safer. Yes, you decide. He'll stay at a hotel. Then there won't be too much pressure to have sex. Yeah, right. He's flown cross-country to see you. There's no denying the pressure. The only variable is, of course, whether you like him as much in person as you do on the phone. And whether he looks as good as his picture. And whether he likes you as much as he does on the phone. And thinks you look as good as your picture. You see the number of variables that go into that first date? Most folks go on quick coffee dates to minimize their first-date risk. You, on the other hand, are plotting a four-day weekend where you're going to shack up with your unseen pen-pal. Good luck with that. |
| 3) |
The follow-up. So the big-mouth dating coach spoke too soon. You crazy kids have that magical chemistry that's worth a long-term investment. At least that's what you'd suspect given your four-day lovefest. Now that you're home, it's time to get back on the phone to keep that strong connection alive. And, of course, it's time to plot the next trip, this time to Pittsburgh. One month later, you’re on a flight and have another remarkable weekend. You return home with a glow on your face. Time to plan another trip. And another. And another. Because that's the only way that two people who live in different cities can date – pack up a bag and turn it into a vacation. Will you know what it's like to spend normal downtime together? Unlikely. You have to just take the leap of faith that the happy person you see on vacation is just as pleasant as the person who's working 50 hours a week when you're not around. Then one of you has to eventually move cross-country to a city where you don't know anyone except your partner's friends and family. Then you two have to have long-term compatibility as well – which as we all know, is a lot harder to achieve than it might look. |
This isn't to suggest that if you're corresponding from different states, you should sever all ties instantly. Having a long-distance pen pal is fun. Having a crush is more fun. Seeing the potential for a life together is downright exciting. I just implore you to consider the myriad risks inherent in starting a long-distance relationship. It's hard enough finding a suitable partner. Why search for one that can't bring you chicken soup without first visiting Expedia.com?
To read previous Online Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive.
For more advice from Evan, please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.
|
|
