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To ensure you receive e-mail from E-Cyrano, add news@e-cyrano.com to your address book.
Welcome back.
Since we last spoke, I've gotten the kindest email, published a new article, and read a bunch of scientific studies about online dating, all of which I’m going to share with you here.
Of special interest this month:
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A new blog where you can interact with other readers, ask questions, and get the most up-to-date information on the dating world and advice on how to succeed in it. |
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A new feature called Ask E-Cyrano, where readers can get their most agonizing dating questions answered. |
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An introduction to Alison Armstrong, one of my favorite dating gurus. I've seen her speak three times and each time, I learn something valuable about how men and women communicate. I trust that you will, too. |
Happy reading.
Evan
In this issue:
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If you didn’t know, I’m not such a fan of computers. I’m the kind of guy who spends hours on the phone with patient customer service people and I STILL never get a clue. I am probably the least likely person in the world to have a website, much less three websites. Wait, better make that four…
See, Google now owns Blogger and they’ve made a tool that is virtually idiotproof - which is why I was able to create a new website in only a couple of hours. Why did I do this? Let me count the ways.
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My old blog was stale and I didn’t like posting on it. Notice the last update in September. |
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I found myself reading others’ dating blogs and wishing I was doing the same thing. |
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I realized that I had my fingertips on too much interesting information to save for merely a once-a-month newsletter. |
So the blog, for now, will be updated with new material every day – reader email, links to interesting sites, and articles about all things dating-related. The newsletter will probably now serve as a highlight reel of the previous month’s blog postings.
The whole idea is to be a resource to you for healthier dating. And by bookmarking and checking the new website regularly, you will truly be on your way to greater dating success. Send all your questions directly to me at evan@e-cyrano.com and you may get a new insight that will save your relationship.
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Each month, I will be answering one fascinating dating question from a reader. So, if you have something on your mind, send it to me at evan@e-cyrano.com and check out this space each month for a response. I want to kick off with an email from a client who is concerned that the man she's dating is pulling away.
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Hey Evan,
Wondering if you could share some of your wisdom with me. Things are still going okay, but there has been a bit of a change in Mr. Wonderful. James has been a bit distant and distracted. I have tried to give him as much space as possible but he mentioned last night that he does not feel "free" due to the fact he is not yet divorced.
The challenge I am having is that he is pulling back. He still calls everyday... just not as often. Usually when he has been out of town he says he has missed me... but he just came back from a 10 day trip and said nothing. And this usually throws me into a bit of a panic because my past experience indicates either a breakup is coming or they are cheating on me. I don't think he's cheating, but my question is how to handle it in my own head. The fact is we are only 3 months into this, so it is still new, but I have to admit I was hoping he'd do something special for Valentine's Day! LOL.
I want to be "the Cool Girl" that Christian Carter talks about, but I feel I'm not doing a very good job. I am letting him call me... trying to stay light and humorous in our conversations...acting like everything is fine on my end. Although this past week I did ask a few times "Hey what's up? Is everything ok?" because he kinda shut down. I have let him know if he wants to talk I am willing to listen, etc.
One of thing things I have fought is whether I should be with him. My goal is finding someone to get married. Obviously he is not in that position and will not be for a while. I am feeling the "clock ticking" a bit and have wondered would I go find someone else who is more on the same page. Then I say "Well, Sarah, start with anyone else and you will still be investing a year+ before you get to marriage and there is no guarantee with a new man either." So I come back to taking that risk with James because he really is a great guy. Plus it was a lot of hard work finding him and I think if I walked away, I would wonder "Hmmm, what if?"
Sorry for being so long... it has been a frustrating week for me as I usually don't handle it when I feel like I am going to ruin the relationship.
Thanks,
Sarah
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Dear Sarah,
Thanks for sharing all that with me. You are definitely in a tough predicament a relatively predictable one, alas, because of his marriage status. Another client had the same thing happen and she dated her guy for 8 months before he called it quits. He needed time alone before transitioning to a new relationship. It's normal for men to do this, unfortunately. It's also normal for them to be selfish to tell you that they want to be with you long term if it means they can have you in the short term. I'm not saying that's what's happening; I'm saying that self preservation is one of the most powerful forces on earth. People take care of themselves and hope that they don't hurt you in the process.
I would agree that Christian Carter's advice on this arena pretty sound. The more you make a big deal of stuff, the more likely it is to go awry. That said, you have other considerations you're 40 and want kids, and do not want to invest in someone who won't pay off. And I understand that your guy is a rare catch who's worth investing in. The best I can tell you is to try to let go and have him sort his things out at his own pace. And if you feel that you're not getting what you need, it may be wise to take some sort of action.
Action, in this instance, isn't an ultimatum, per se, but rather an open acknowledgement that you're not feeling the security you need to feel about your future. If James is in no position to give you that kind of security, politely let him know that you're going to have to move on. If he fights for you, he's into you. If he lets you go, he's done you a favor. Just don't make your conversation accusatory as if he's doing anything wrong frame it that you don't want to pressure him, but you do have to take care of yourself.
Keep in mind that there's no rush on having this conversation. Wait until things seem good, like an employee waiting for the optimal day to request a raise. If you bring things up when he's still feeling distant, he'll be more likely to give up on the whole thing without thinking it through.
Either way, you need to take care of yourself first. It's one thing to play it "cool" so as not to scare him off. It's another thing to fear breaking up so much that you never gauge the long term viability of your relationship. I hope you find peace and clarity on this issue. Please keep me posted.
Warmest wishes,
Evan
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Alison Armstrong Will Change Your Life!
If the above letter resonated with you at all, you'll probably be interested in what I have to say next.
Is your dream to find love and make it last?
Have you tried everything under the sun to make it happen, yet found that you still haven't met the right guy? You lost weight, you read the right self-help books, you signed up for a dating site, and still... no Mr. Right?
If so, you're like most of my clients who are intelligent, successful, and serious about falling in love. The fact that you have success in all areas of your life except this one pains you. And, no matter how hard you try, you can't figure out how a great catch like you hasn't yet met her match. Well, have I got an answer for you.
My colleague, Alison Armstrong, has created a program that gives you more awareness, power, control and satisfaction over your love life. Her website, Understanding Men, is an amazing resource to women who have tried for years, unsuccessfully, to build a loving, lasting relationship with men.
Two years ago, I attended one of her full-day workshops, called "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women". It blew me away. I literally came home and typed up ten pages of notes, some of which I still quote in coaching sessions with clients.
Among the things she articulated that I had never put into words before:
Women think that men giving simple direct answers is indicative of their lack of connectedness. It is not. Men simply communicate different than women.
Women think that men will change their minds and want to improve themselves because WOMEN change their minds and want to improve themselves. Men don't.
And, my personal favorite, is how Alison explains how the "Perfect 10" chemistry we all crave can actually be DETRIMENTAL to your well-being:
The person you're most attracted to is the person who makes you feel least powerful. The reason that "unattractive" people are attracted you is simply because you're being your most comfortable and powerful self around them.
There are literally HUNDREDS of golden nuggets like this in Alison's programs and I HIGHLY suggest that you set aside a weekend to attend. The insights you'll gain are truly life-changing. And if you're not in Los Angeles, San Diego, New York, San Francisco, or Portland, you can purchase a CD of her seminar "In Sync with the Opposite Sex" (for both men and women) as well.
Click here if you want to find yourself in a great relationship by the end of this year.
For Alison's Workshop "Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women"
For Alison's Workshop "Making Sense of Men"
For Alison's CD "In Sync with the Opposite Sex"
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Why the Turtle Beats the Hare in Online Dating
In my first book, I floated a theory about the optimal time to meet an online date. Based on real-life experience, I found the best dates came from investing time prior to a first meeting. I'm not talking about being a pen-pal for months, but a few emails and phone calls were instrumental to building up trust and rapport. Where other guys would clamor to meet quickly, I differentiated myself with patience, humor, and sincere interest. As a result, my first dates felt more like second dates. Over the course of three years, I found three committed relationships using this method. Those who disagree with me claim that they don't want to waste time "I want to see if there's chemistry," "People don't look like their pictures", etc. I held firm, trusting that it was better to weed out bad dates by email/phone, than to meet everyone in person. Now, finally, my theory has been backed up by the scientific community. In fact, 94 percent of people who built up a significant relationship before meeting went on to a second date. So if you're still under the impression that Starbucks with strangers is the ideal online date, consider this some pretty compelling evidence to the contrary.
How Picky People Sabotage Their Online Dating Experience
Last month, I wrote a piece about how rare it is to find someone special to love, regardless of whether you're talking about real life or online dating. This month, another publication, called Live Science.com, delves into the psychology of online dating. Specifically, it discusses how people's inflated expectations (especially women) taint the entire dating process. The article astutely points out that the more information daters shared with each other, the greater likelihood things would fall apart. Which should come as no surprise to all of the self-described "picky" people out there. Money quote:
"Inevitably, I'm going to find something we don't agree on. And as soon as I find that one thing, then things start to cascade so everything else I learn about you suddenly now feels like more evidence that we are dissimilar and we dont get along," Norton said.
"Once you start this process of saying, 'Ah, it's not going well,' it's like an avalanche basically,"
For more on this study, click here:
Highlights of a Scientific American article from 1/30/07
It's a five page article, so I'll spare you trouble of reading the whole thing. But feel free to quote these stats to a friend at a cocktail party. People love this stuff.
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Only 1% of online daters list their appearance as less than average. |
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Men claiming incomes of $250,000+ got 151 percent more replies than men claiming incomes less than $50,000. |
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The number of women claiming to be 29 was nearly 8 times larger than what we'd expect by chance. |
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Women understate their weight by 17 pounds in their 30's and 19 pounds in their 40's. |
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At least 13 percent of online male suitors are thought to be married. |
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Men's profiles without photos draw Ό the response of those with photos. Women only get 1/6th the response of those with photos. |
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Twenty percent of online daters admit to lying; but think that 90% of other people are lying. |
Why all the lying? According to the piece, it's because "there are also no physical cues or consequences--no visible communication gestures, raised eyebrows, or grimaces -- to keep people's behavior in check. As a result, online daters tend to construct an 'ideal self' rather than a real one. A study published recently even suggests that online daters often regret it when they do tell the truth, feeling that too much honesty, especially about negative attributes, creates a bad impression."
So there you have it. Insecure people + no consequences = rampant lying. There's no policing it, folks. You just have to get better at asking for pictures, picking up signals and reading between the lines. Which reinforces my original premise: the slower you go, the more likely you are to avoid bad dates.
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New! Evan's Blog
Advice From A Single Dating Expert
Because who knows more about dating than a guy who's still dating?
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New!> Understanding Men
Alison Armstrong knows more about men than men themselves. Pick up a CD, sign up for a seminar, but for your own sake, you MUST work with Alison.
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E-Cyrano
E-Cyrano – online dating profiles that give YOU a competitive advantage.
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LookBetterOnline
Because if they don't like your picture, they'll never even read your brilliant E-Cyrano profile
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Double Your Dating
David DeAngelo has a wealth of information for any man looking to get an edge in communicating with women.
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Thanks for reading this extra-long March newsletter. Next month, we'll have more articles, more links, and more life-changing advice.
As always, I look forward to hearing from you.
Warmest wishes,
Evan
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