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Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Persistent Profiles – What to do when your date is still online
For May's Tip O' the Morning, I want to talk about an important concept in online dating –– honesty. I'm not talking about the kind of honesty where someone actually tells the truth about his height or age. I'm talking about how to deal with the fact that everyone you meet online is communicating with multiple people simultaneously. There are good ways to handle this. But first, lemme start with one of the worst ones.
I once met a woman online and after some good email and phone conversation, we had a really great first date. Because I was interested in her, I called the very next day to set up a second date. But when I went online later that night to check my email, there she was, Instant Messaging me, asking me what the hell I was doing on the website. To be fair, asking me what I was doing on the site is quite a reasonable question; it's just not a reasonable question to ask out loud.
Online dating is a double-edged sword. It allows you to meet unlimited amounts of folks for a marginal cost. It enables you to connect with people you'd never meet in real life. It gives you the opportunity to build up a sense of trust before you ever go on a date. These are the good points, and they shouldn't get lost in any discussion. But those good points create a set of bad points that can't be ignored. Namely: online dating is a cheap, easy way to meet infinite numbers of potential partners. So it shouldn't come as any surprise when singles get as addicted to this as they get to eBay.
As is so often the case, it's valuable to step into the other person's shoes to fully comprehend all sides of an issue. In this instance, my date was encouraged about our long-term chances as a couple. She thought that after one date, we should be monogamous and that my presence on the site meant that I was cheating on her. (This doesn't begin to explain why she was on the website, but that's neither here nor there.) In my eyes, I felt like we had a connection - which is why I set up another date - but that didn't mean that I was going to summarily cut off ties with everyone else on the site. I mean, let's be coldly logical here: the person with whom you settle down is going to be really special. And, promising date or not, it's a bit premature to assume that you're "going steady" after only meeting one time.
My advice: chill out. Realize that everyone's got a lot going on and that you can generally tell if someone is excited about you based on his/her actions. Two months from now, if you're hanging out three nights a week and his profile's STILL up? Okay, then maybe it's time for a heart-to-heart. In the meantime, keep your options open and set a positive example for the person you're dating. My favorite technique when I want to be exclusive is to take down my own profile without asking her to remove hers. If she asks what I'm doing, I tell her the truth: "You can do whatever you want, but I don't want to see anybody but you". If she's freaked out by my commitment, she'll probably tell me to move on. If she's interested in me, she'll probably take down her profile as well. Either way, by taking action instead of demanding an explanation, I've gotten my answer and can move forward appropriately.
For more advice from Evan, please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.
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