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Online Dating Tip O' The Morning
Guys who offer their phone number too fast: Lazy, Dumb or Both?
As far as I can tell, rushing a phone number is the next step up from winking and flirting. It's lazy and ineffective. In fact, a comprehensive study of online daters shows that 81% of unreciprocated phone numbers come from men. If it doesn't work, why do these guys do it? Probably a combination of three things, all borne out of their experience: rejection, impatience, and fear.
Here's how it works. Guy gets on, writes a bunch of long, personal emails to a bunch of women, and discovers that nobody's writing him back. Now, this could be for any number of reasons. Crappy pictures and boring essays are obvious ones. But maybe his long emails were so long that women felt they were creepy. Or maybe the women he's contacting have got a hundred other guys to consider. If you're a guy, you can never know. So you associate your rejection with your email. "If I wrote a long personal email and she didn't write back, why bother to write long personal emails to anyone?"
So they do what they do: writing cut and paste form letters and sending them to anyone remotely attractive, under the theory that it's a numbers game. Some of these guys are pretty good at it. Check out their techniques. Sometimes they fill in your name. Sometimes they tell a little something about themselves. Sometimes they even tell you something that sounds like it's about you. "I really liked your profile. Thought it was extremely thoughtful and well-written." I've had many clients fall for this bag.
Now despite the fact that this is a lame way to date, I don't want to judge these guys too much. They're only doing what they think works best. Except it's not working at all.
If you've ever dated online, you know that for any number of replies you get, half of the people are going to disappear on you. That's just the way it works. So a guy with a really low success rate (because of his emails, photos, and essays) offers a phone number right away, if only to get her to call him before she drops off. Clearly, there's a loss in confidence and power that coerces men to act with such desperation. You wouldn't just hand out business cards to women randomly in a bar. Why would you offer your phone number to a stranger and expect her to call you?
So to any men reading this, realize that pushing too fast is the LEAST effective way of differentiating yourself from all the dolts out there. Invest a little more time in being charming, funny and thoughtful and you'll be able to get her phone number after a few emails. Patience is a virtue. If you give a phone number quickly because you're afraid that she's gonna bolt, guess what? She's probably gonna bolt.
Four other related points before I go:
1)Men often don't like emailing and give their phone numbers to hurry things along. There's nothing wrong with preferring phone to email, but that doesn't mean that you've earned the right to a woman's phone number just because you said hi. Those are digits to be worked for and you need to respect her timeline to divulge that information.
2)Men should ask women for their numbers, not paste them in an email for her to use at her leisure. You'd think this would be obvious, what with 100 years of chivalry, but by offering your number, you're putting the ball in her court. So step up. Be a man. It's not her job to call you.
3)A caveat: If she's concerned about her safety and won't give her phone number, it's perfectly fair to offer yours. That's respectful, not lazy.
4)Finally, women often ask me, "Should I call the guy if he offers his number to me?" I say no. Turn the tables instead, so you can be treated like a lady. Without making a big stink, thank him for his generosity, offer him your number and let him know when you're available to talk. If he calls, he calls. If he doesn't, I think that says plenty about how much he cares about meeting you.
Want to know how to live this advice instead of just reading it and forgetting it?
Call me now at 866-432-9726 for some one-on-one dating coaching that will change your life. Prices go up at the end of the month.
To read about my private coaching packages, please go to www.evanmarckatz.com.
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