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Dating Tip O' The Month
Open Your Mind, Open Your Heart, Open To Love
I was at the first annual Matchmaker's Conference for a three day weekend. I was there to speak on a panel for dating coaches, discussing how we can help matchmakers and their clients succeed. The room was filled with nearly 100 people in the love industry, all of whom care deeply about connecting others.
Single people come to these big-hearted folks, serious about finding a relationship, and they open up their wallets wide. Matchmakers typically charge anywhere from three thousand to ten thousand dollars to make ten "matches" over the course of a year. And even though no matchmakers promise to deliver a spouse, the pressure is on them to deliver.
Which brings up an issue that I call "the Matchmaker's Dilemma"
Simply put, in the grand bell curve of life, 80% of people are somewhere in the middle. Which means, on a scale of 1-10, most folks could be rated physically between a 3 and a 7. Listen, I'm not suggesting you DO rate people this way, but since we're all somewhat looks-driven, it's a reasonable place to start. So if, logically, most people are between a 3 and a 7, it would stand to reason that they should be content dating someone in their same range.
Uh uh.
The matchmaker's dilemma is that the average person is a 5 who wants to date an 8.
This creates a whole lot of tension and frustration for both the client and the matchmaker.
Client: "How could you think that she's my type? I'm looking for someone who's younger and thinner."
Matchmaker: "Yes, and so is she."
The problem is that we don't see ourselves as others see us. As an experiment, I asked a few friends to rank themselves in terms of looks, intelligence, career, and personality. They listed themselves as 9's across the board. Now, I may think the world of my friends, but it wouldn't shock me if the people who dated them didn't feel as strongly.
It's interesting, isn't it? For a society that is supposed to lack self-esteem, we have a hell of a hard time finding people who are "good enough" for us.
And then we pay a lot of hard-earned money to a professional matchmaker, only to reject most people out of hand that the matchmaker deems appropriate.
How can we remedy this? I've got a few ideas.
First, open up your search criteria. I was on the phone with three clients yesterday who told me that there were very few qualified people available online. This is simply untrue. They're just setting the bar way too high. To each, I said a version of the following:
How many people are judging you because you're a single mom? Or because you're of mixed ethnicity? Or because you're in your forties? Don't you want to tell each and every one of those strangers, "I'm different! Give me a chance! Don't judge me before you meet me." And yet we judge other just as arbitrarily.
My 55 year old male client is dismayed that a woman would set her search for 42-52, but wouldn't consider going out him. Another looks for men over 5'9" but laments that a man would judge her for her full figure. Still, we persist in our narrow-minded ways. So I beg you - loosen up your criteria. Stop closing the funnel at the beginning and ensuring that there are few matches. Browse through everybody, regardless of height, age, education, etc. Only make restrictions on true "deal-breakers". If you can't deal with smoke, that's fine. If you're an Orthodox Jew, you may not want to date a Muslim. But if you have mere preferences – you like dogs, or hiking, or thin women – guess what? You're KILLING your chances of meeting the right person if you don't open your mind.
Case in point. I NEVER would have met my girlfriend online. She's older than me. She's a different religion. She votes for a different political party. We happened to meet in "real life", whereupon I discovered that we had far more in common than we had separating us. So I speak to you not as a dating coach, up on my pedestal, telling you all to "settle". I speak to you as a hypocrite who cut off far too many people prematurely and dated for eight years online without getting married.
What matchmakers know that the rest of us forget is that true love is not necessarily instant. You don't know on a first date how that person will treat you on your birthday, or when you lost your job, or when your mother is in town for a week. Love is a slow burn, yet we make our decisions so hastily. I just had lunch today with a married friend who had a poor first date with her husband. She only gave him a chance because a mutual friend in her office knew him and urged her to try again. I have to guess that this would happen a lot more if we ever stopped being so judgmental on first dates.
My simplest advice? Open up your search, grant more second dates, give people a chance to shine. After all, isn't that exactly what you'd want someone to do for you?
To read previous Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive.
For more advice from Evan, please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.
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