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Dating Tip O' The Month
Smile!
For many years I was a negative person. And why shouldn't I be? There were lots of things wrong with my life. I was struggling to pay my rent. My screenwriting career was sputtering. My dad had died. My love life was a series of failures. It was hard to focus on the good stuff.
Even as I pulled myself out of my morass and created a new career, my negativity followed. Hey, that's the way I was raised. My mom's a complainer. My sister's a complainer. And since my complaints were all true and valid - Hollywood IS unfair! Women ARE fickle! - who could possibly hold it against me?
Yeah. Pretty much everyone.
I've spent years overcoming my natural inclination to bitch and moan, and the results have been extraordinary. I can only imagine what they'd be like if I was a genuinely sunny person, instead of someone who merely tries to look on the bright side. My girlfriend's a genuinely sunny person. It's a big reason why I'm with her, no doubt.
But I had never seen my warm feelings towards sunny people put into words, until I started reading a book called "How I Raised Myself From Failure To Success In Selling" by Frank Bettger. In it, he quotes turn-of-the- century advice columnist, Dorothy Dix, who offer this priceless nugget of wisdom (applicable to both men and women):
"There is no other weapon in the whole feminine armory to which men are so vulnerable as they are to a smile... It is a thousand pities that women put no stress on cheerfulness as either a virtue or a duty, because there is no other quality that goes so far toward making marriage a success and keeping a husband nailed to his fireside. There is no man who doesn't hasten his footsteps to his own home at night if he knows he is going to find in it a woman whose smile makes sunshine within it."
You might think that sounds very June Cleaver. And you'd be right. But you know what? Ward didn't file for divorce.
And if you're still struggling to embrace the power of positivity (which has been touted by everyone from Rhonda Byrne to Norman Vincent Peale), think about it like this:
Every time you call your mom, she runs down a list of things that ail her. She gets on your case about being single and says that you could be a better child. Wouldn't you be more excited to talk to her if she had nice things to say?
You're having tensions with your demanding boss at work. You stay up nights thinking about it, and the thought of going to the office the next day makes your stomach churn. Wouldn't it be nicer if your boss smiled and made it clear you were on the same team?
Of course it would. A smile is what lets a man know he can approach a woman. A smile is what eases a woman's anxiety about a man. A smile is a universal sign of warmth and contentedness. A smile is worth everything.
So you can scoff all you want at Ms. Dix's ancient sounding advice. But I'm telling you, people work with people that make them feel good, they choose friends that make them feel good, and they definitely DATE people that make them feel good.
And if all you're bringing to each interaction is a litany of complaints, you shouldn't be too surprised when no one wants to stick around. It's easy to see negativity in others, but it's really hard to see in ourselves. Especially when we feel so JUSTIFIED in our reasons for being negative.
I'll let Frank Bettger take it from here:
"I know it may sound incredible that you can cultivate happiness with a smile, but try it for just thirty days. Give every living soul you meet the BEST smile you ever smiled in your life and see how much better you feel and look. It's one of the best ways I know to stop worrying and start living. When I began doing this, I found I became more welcome everywhere."
Do yourself a favor and take Bettger's advice. Forward it to your friends. And email me when you see what a difference it makes. I'll be waiting...
To read previous Online Dating Tips O' the Month, please check out our Archive.
For more advice from Evan, please visit www.evanmarckatz.com.
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